it was a thursday, and so my friends decided we needed to get drunk. we made our way out into the city earlier than usual. i came directly from class.
the familiar surroundings of our favorite dive bar didn’t comfort me as i had expected. i ordered a vodka shot.
i ordered a mojito and nodded and pretended to pay attention to the stories being swapped around me. i felt as if someone had sucked my personality out through my mouth, rendering me dumb, deaf and lifeless. i ordered a tequila shot.
philipp told me that andreas was going to arrive soon. i had only heard of andreas through stories, usually involving alcohol and foreign women. i wondered how we would get on. i ordered a vodka shot.
i lost track of how many drinks i had had. i wandered through the haze to the bar and ordered a caipirinha. the bartender made smalltalk with me in his broken english. as always, i offered to switch to german and as always, he declined.
everyone knew the second he walked in. andreas was one of those people who changed the entire feeling of a room just by existing. vanessa introduced us and he kissed me. i smiled. i asked him about his shirt, a punk band i didn’t know anyone else liked. he immediately launched into an elaborate story about how he saw them both nights they played in the city, got their attention, and did coke with them in their trailer. i couldn’t tell if i was intrigued or just pretending to be, but he didn’t seem to mind.
the night moved on in a series of short vignettes. we ordered more drinks. we listened to andreas’s stories. we smoked cigarettes. everyone was enamored of andreas. andreas thrived.
everyone eventually drifted home with a series of excuses, though i didn’t really notice until andreas and i were kissing alone in front of the bartenders. andreas asked to go somewhere more private. i said sure.
he pushed me to the back room of the bar and i sat harshly on a red velvet chair.
“give me head”
he made me stop before he finished. i followed him out of the bar, unsure of my surroundings. he asked me to hurry so we could catch a train. i blinked slowly and felt him grab my wrist.
the fluorescent lighting of the train illuminated every flaw of the situation i was in. we got off at the end of the line and walked to the river.
the lights of the city reflected in the water almost made me cry, and i hated myself for being such a cliche. andreas pushed me up against the rail protecting us from falling into the river, and we kissed for a while. it made me feel better. i didn’t know why, but it did. he had no shame, constantly pushing my hands towards his crotch and grabbing my ass. he took off my pants and turned me around, up against the rail. i looked down into the water. the condom wrapper was the loudest thing i’d ever heard, ripping and crinkling.
suddenly everything i had consumed earlier caught up to me and i was incoherent. i let myself be entirely supported by the rail, while andreas indulged in my body. for a moment, i looked downwards into the shallow waters of the river and observed my gleaming reflection. i closed my eyes and swallowed the bile building up at the back of my throat. with a grunt, it was over, the buildup having been much more intense than the actual experience.
i walked home alone. only once i reached my bed did i notice i had left my shoes at the river.