I was dating a poet. He weaved words into prose so effortlessly, like he was reciting the โ€œABCโ€.

He sent me a text.

CALL ME. X. It appeared to be stuck on caps lock, but it wasnโ€™t, he just chose to type like he was shouting at me.

He had a mobile that was pay as you go. It had free messages but not free minutes.

I had contract so this wasnโ€™t a problem. My income was salaried. He hadnโ€™t worked in over six weeks.

โ€œHi kitten.โ€

โ€œHey.โ€ We were only weekend lovers.

โ€œIโ€™ve just been to the supermarket and cashed all the 2ps in my apartment.โ€ That was a lot of change. He kept them in empty green bottles in the living room, five bottles at least. You pour the coins into this machine that weighs them, it charges a small percentage, then prints off an in-store store coupon.

โ€œI was stocking up on the essentials and I wanted to tell you, I bought the nice toilet paper,โ€


โ€œNo listen. I was walking up and down the aisles and I wouldnโ€™t even notice how much it normally costs but do you know the nice stuff is 60p more than the basic.โ€

โ€œWhy didnโ€™t you just get that?โ€

โ€œWell at first I almost did and then I went to put it back because even though it had two more rolls per packet, it looked rough, like it would hurt your pussy.โ€


โ€œAnd I thought, no, I may be skint but this pussy is important to me. So then I looked at the aloe vera range because that in theory would feel smoother but it was scented.โ€

I refused to use scented tissue.

โ€œSo I bought the good stuff, a four pack that is thick. Itโ€™s superior quality. Iโ€™ll save opening it till Saturday.โ€

This was a true romance.

โ€œOh also, I bought some marinated artichoke hearts. I needed something luxurious to get me through this shitty day-to-dayโ€.

โ€œWould you lick Nutella off my pussy?โ€ I was eating it from the jar with a spoon as we spoke.

โ€œEugh! Fuck, no! Thatโ€™s disgusting!โ€

โ€œIt is?โ€ I loved Nutella, so cloying and sweet.

โ€œYeah, geez, itโ€™d be like feces on your cunt. Like some fucking European porno.โ€

โ€œOh.โ€ I hadnโ€™t thought about it like that.

He paused.

โ€œI would massage raw steak into it though and then fix it up, tartare.โ€

I considered. Bloodied meat on my vagina?



โ€œSure. We can do that.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll walk back and buy a jar of capers.โ€ TC mark

image – jurvetson


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