5 Reasons Why I Won’t Be Attending Your Couples’ Writing Retreat

1. My partner, a block of Cheddar, can’t hold a pen and is self-conscious about that.

2. I can’t hold a pen and my partner at the same time. Although I’m not self- conscious about that, I just don’t see my being able to be very productive.

3. The location of the retreat (the beach!!!) Cheddar and I don’t make art or love on or anywhere near beaches. We find the whole “ocean air breeds creativity and connectedness” to be a banal idea perpetuated by Nicholas Sparks and the writers of the movie “The Beach House” for their own monetary gain.

Note: I reached out to Nicholas Sparks to verify if this was his agenda — if he had his little popular-romantic-fiction-typing fingers dipped in the money-pie of Couples Writing Retreats. He could not be reached for comment. He was probably writing on a beach somewhere feeling loved and perpetuating the cycle.

I’ve also linked, for your consideration, the Rotten Tomatoes review of The Beach House as evidentiary support that salt-water, although a good conductor of many things, can not yield good romance and good words simultaneously.

4. The cost. As your invitation suggests you know, I’m a writer with a failing relationship. After rent, utilities, our Netflix subscription and the soy-lattes required for us to pretend hanging out with our friend Marcy (a PhD holder) in a Starbucks every third Thursday counts as couples therapy, we simply can’t afford to pay 65 dollars to compliment each other’s prose in a environment reeking of dead fish and even-deader relationships.

5. The inclusion of the phrase “Date Night” in the descriptor copy. As everyone knows, the term “Date Night” is reserved exclusively for young, toddler-rearing couples. I just turned 30 and Cheddar and I can’t have children, but thank you for reminding me. TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

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