For a long time, I couldn’t comprehend love. It didn’t make sense to feel such strong emotions for someone else, someone who could hurt me and break everything I was.
But I’ve been searching for that mysterious feeling anyways, spending countless hours to solve a problem that didn’t actually need solving. The end goal had been love, and it was never even remotely ever anything else.
Which meant that I was searching down all of the wrong paths.
I’ve been so focused on finding infatuation, on figuring out who the person is that would steal my heart that I’ve missed the person that really stole it and made me fall head-over-heels.
I’ve missed you—myself.
And I shouldn’t have. You are the single most amazing person I have ever come into contact with.
I’m so glad I met you, really met you. I was afraid that you were always there and I’d never really see all of you, that maybe you weren’t real.
I almost thought that you were a bigger myth than the love I could find with another person.
It was strange to live as a human being without really understanding who I was. I could feel you pushing to the surface, begging me to fall for you.
But I hadn’t been willing, I hadn’t been open to the idea.
And I am so deeply, heartbreakingly sorry.
I never wanted to hurt you that way, especially because that hurt came back to haunt me so prevalently.
I tried so hard to give the love that I needed to give you to other people that it ended up tearing me down, because I had no basis of what the feeling really is.
But you’ve shown me the foundation. You’ve given me a rock to build on.
Because of you and the amazingness that you encompass, I can be fully me, I can love others fully, I can see life like a complete picture.
I am full.
I mean, you can’t have a feast without a table full of food.
So that’s what you’ve given me. I am heartily stuffed with you so much that I’m overflowing with affection. I’ve become so completely enamored by you, and you by me that we have almost too much of it.
And now we’re ready to share it.
Now that I’ve found you and have taken you into my life by our heart, I’m afraid to do that, to let others into the special relationship we’ve built.
I don’t want to lose the bond we have, to break this beautiful first love that we have discovered in each other.
Finding your true spirit in myself has taught me one special lesson that will help us take the next step: it’s the parts of life that seem the darkest, that you can’t see the end of that wind up being the most fulfilling.
Take my hand, darling, and lets step forward together. We have love to spread to the people around us.
We have others to be swept off our feet by.
There is no part of me that wants to do this without you by my side. I need the lessons I’ve learned from my first love to find a similar feeling with anyone else, and I need you to guide me.
I need the power from within myself to feel further, deeper for other people.
But I promise through all of this coming search, this journey we are about to embark on, love, that I will not forget you.
You are and always will be my first love; you are and always will be me.