Women are amazing, aren’t they? I am continuously awestruck and inspired by so many of the greats: ones I know, ones I don’t, and ones named Beyoncé.
But being a girl isn’t always a walk in the park, is it? There’s gender inequality, sexual harassment and assault, politicians who meddle in our lives and reproductive rights… ya know, all that fun stuff.
But I won’t get into all that now. Today I’m gonna talk about the other stuff that sucks. Stuff that often makes being a woman unenjoyable, unpleasant and let’s face it… at times, UNBEARABLE.
LOVE makeup! Wear it every day. Isn’t it absolutely hysterical when you stab yourself directly in the eyeball with the mascara wand? The stinging pain, the uncontrollable and subsequent eye-watering, the pure misery = ENDLESS LAUGHTER. And eyeliner? Woof. You’ll apply it right 100 days in a row and then BAM!- tremors will suddenly form in your tiny little stupid hand and you won’t be able to draw a straight line on your upper lid to save your life. To finish off your beautiful look, throughout the day you’ll have lipstick everywhere BUT your lips: teeth, chin, upper lip. S’cute.
2. HAIR REMOVAL.
Tweezing, plucking, waxing, shaving, threading (STILL don’t get that one) – doesn’t matter HOW you do it, so long as you remove ALL THE HAIRS. Any hair that’s visible below your eyelashes is a no-no. Get rid of it all. Suuuuuure, you’ll deal with irritation, ingrown hairs, stubble and the occasional skin on your brow line burnt off when the wax is too hot (no? only me?) but this stuff is crucial if you wanna do this woman thing right.
3. HAIR STYLING.
Speaking of hair, there’s that nest of hair on top of your head – you’re allowed to have that. Just be sure to do everything BUT wear it in its natural state and instead: flat-iron it straight (TOTALLY good for your hair, by the way), curl it with a wand or some other kind of device (you WILL burn yourself; I’m sure of it) and have your weak frail arms throb in pain from holding them up too long while styling.
Yay! Bras are really comfortable; they have these really awesome pieces of metal wire in them that jab into your body and stab you with their needle-like points if they escape the fabric. You’ll also probably get an unsightly red mark on your shoulders from the straps that are DOING WERK for way too many hours in a day, but… what can ya do. Speaking of comfort, wearing a thong is like sitting in a cloud. Amazing. Same goes for Spanx.
5. THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.
No big deal; you’ll just have to deal with the following minor symptoms every 30 days: cramping, irritability, skin breakouts, headaches, unhealthy cravings, murderous rage, etc.
Who doesn’t love a pair of heels? Ugly toe cleavage, calluses, sore/achy feet… it’s all the price we pay to elongate our legs and appear feminine and sexy. Skinny jeans should be a staple in every gal’s closet, too – and don’t worry if it takes you approximately 17 minutes to squeeze them on or get them off: that’s totally normal.
I TOLD YOU WOMEN ARE AMAZING.