Try looking cute in winter. You can’t.
Ughhhhh. Winter. Out of the four seasons, this one is the absolute worst and anyone who disagrees with that is DERANGED. What’s there to like about it? The outside world transforms into a frozen tundra, we’re all at our ugliest/palest/fattest, and doing simple things like leaving the house, become an arduous task.
Each day we’re forced to leave our homes and venture outdoors, and it is a goddamn struggle. It goes a little something like this:
1. GETTING OUT OF BED
- Alright. I gotta get up. I actually don’t think it’s that cold out because I feel really comfortable right now. Then again, I’m in flannel pajama bottoms, a hooded sweatshirt and fleece socks.
- (Sticks one hand out of bed and immediately feels the biting cold air outside the covers) SHIT.
- That walk from the bed to the bathroom? Miserable.
2. THE BATHROOM
- Cold tile floor = terrible.
- Cold toilet seat = WORSE.
- OK, the best part. I now get to be in a steamy hot shower for a few minutes and forget that it’s 9 degrees outside.
- (Looks at razor) Nope, not shaving off any hairs; I need them all for warmth.
- Can’t I just stay in here ALL DAY???
- I JUST turned the shower head off and am now INSTANTLY freezing. Just like that. Time to wrap myself in the largest robe possible so I can finish getting ready.
- Alright, I need to apply moisturizer to this gross, crusty, flaky face of mine. O-kay, looks like I need more. Nope, still flaky. The flakes appear to be permanent.
- Time to try to give myself some sort of semblance of a tan. Let’s apply that bronzer! Yeah, I’m gonna need more. Even more than that. OK, I think this is good.
- WHATEVER I’ll just wear a scarf! Or a turtleneck.
- I guess I have to blowdry my hair? Going out with it wet/damp is only something you can do in warm weather and when you don’t run the risk of having actual icicles hanging from your scalp.
- Oh, what’s this? Static? Wonderful. Now I get to go out looking like I just violently rubbed a balloon on my head. This is cute, right?
4. GETTING DRESSED
- I need layers people, layers! Forget just long sleeves, I need MULTIPLE SLEEVES. Sweater material. Anything that disguises the shape of my body and just makes me look frumpy. As long as I’m warm I don’t care.
- Can I wear long johns under my jeans?
- Alright, shoes. What shoes am I wearing? Flats and pumps are out of the question because the top of my foot will be exposed and I will 100% get frostbite. Anything with a heel is dangerous since it’s icy outside. Suede? Nope, they’ll get ruined. I need something warm, comfortable and winter-friendly. Sooo….snow boots. Snow boots it is.
- Almost there. I need a jacket. Eh, my trench is nice, but not warm enough. Give me down feathers! Give me bulk! Make me look 100 pounds heavier than I am! Great; this massive down-feather puffy coat will do.
- I should throw on a hat. I’m gonna get hat head, though (looks in the mirror and realizes hair is flat and chock full of static anyway). Screw it; I’m wearing the hat.
- Alright. I’m ready. How do I look?
Have I mentioned I hate winter?