Salon, and by Salon, I mean former Assistant News Editor Prachi Gupta suggested Thought Catalog do an article with this title when she wrote 150 whole words of news on this publication called “10 Trolly Stories Thought Catalog Could Write Next.” One of them was “5 Easy Ways To Nab A Significant Other By Eating Only Peanut Butter.” As you can see, this is the title of this article.
When I saw that beef, I thought “this girl is about to get told.” But Prachi Gupta of the present no longer does Salon stuff. Present Prachi managing-edits Animal New York. On one hand, I don’t live in New York. On the other, their “Features” page has amphetamine pics and film reviews with penis drawings, so I’m immediately supportive of Prachi and all her future endeavors.
Anyway, Past-Prachi still exists as a construct and her constructed ass has obviously not met Alfred, because she thinks no one could write about five easy ways to nab a significant other with peanut butter. I’m about to come on this two-year-old callout like Animals Eating Animals. Also, I should probably find a better way to phrase the previous sentence that does not start with “I’m about to come on this two year old.”
1. Use your peanut butter as lubricant
I know it’s a bit classless to start out with your best reason, but I care about you. I want you to walk away with the most important bits first.
Peanut butter is a versatile lubricant. If you make the peanut butter really cold, you can actually create really shitty sculptures out of it. So if you’re a guy, a neat trick is to lay in a very seductive pose with peanut butter all over your cock and the tip sculpted. This might sound a little ridiculous because no one who rubs peanut butter on their dick will bother to sculpt the tip, but if you manage to get it really cold, you can actually sculpt a dick on top of your dick. This is self-referential and she’ll appreciate the creativity.
But the real power of peanut butter lubricant shines when you use it as an anal lubricant. Now I know I wrote a great guide to anal sex, but that was serious and this is not. So, let’s get serious: when you use peanut butter as an anal lubricant you don’t even have to worry about taking a shit. Actually, if you use enough peanut butter you won’t even know the difference between completely coating a dick in shit and completely coating a dick in peanut butter. Plus, the peanut butter smell will totally mix with the farty shit smell, and you’ll feel the warm gooeyness of shit thinning the peanut butter. You might not even know it’s there!
2. Use your peanut butter as a taxidermy finisher
Taxidermy is a pretty neat hobby. Actually it’s the second creepiest thing you can do. Being a clown is the first. Seeing as we’ve established how great it is, the obvious solution is to incorporate peanut butter.
Guys appreciate raw visuals. You should get a nice cat, or kitty, or any other noun used to describe a feline you’re going to stuff hard. Make sure it’s ready to die. Now, take a picture of it and post it to Reddit and get karma. Then, ignore the cat and find a really shitty-looking animal, like a possum or something, and kill it. No one will care, because the cat is still alive and society only cares about violence toward cute animals. After thinking about how much this impacts deep sea fishing, remove the fur of the animal you killed. Coat the animal in peanut butter fur. I don’t really know how taxidermy works.
Women are sensitive, so you’re going to want to get to her emotions. The best thing to do would be to get a pig ready for taxidermy, then abandon the project all together and spell out her name in the pig’s intestines. This will surprise her — in a good way. But instead of just spelling the name out, add a special touch by putting little hearts and stars around her name in peanut butter. It shows your gender fluidity.
3. Write a letter in peanut butter
This one is kind of lame, but bear with me. So you’re going to want to introduce yourself to their family, first, obviously. This’ll let them know you’re a family man, or a family woman.
After you’ve looked at the perimeter of their house on Bing satellite, find the best external spot next to your man or woman’s room. Discreetly dig a hole under their room until you have a nice chamber going. Hop to the next forest and grab a few branches to use as torches. Once you’ve set up some cute little fires, start writing all of the details of your partner on the wall.
I personally like to write their name about 50 times with slight variation every so often, because I’m often accused of not caring enough. You can also add some deep music to set the mood. I enjoy choral music because it’s really minimalist and fits the whole minimalist vibe you have going on, which will also match the theme of repeating their name on the wall. It’s very Philip Glass.
Once you’ve done that, just draw a huge circle in the middle of the room with peanut butter and wait to see your new significant other’s eyes bust wide open.
4. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
I honestly don’t know anyone who has made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This is really esoteric shit, but we can mainstream it a little bit. Here’s how.
The guy or girl you’re interested in likely has never heard of a peanut-butter-and-jelly whatever, so you’re going to add some sentimental spin on it. Gelatin is actually a protein and you can make it from boiling goodies like skin, tendons, ligaments, and bones. You could just buy gelatin from the grocery store, but real artisan gelatin is locally made, so that’s what we’re going to do.
Remember that satellite image of their house we had set up earlier? Pull it up again. Use Spokeo.com to really get an idea of what their parents do for a living. Now, pose as a private investigator (they usually use black cars with black windows) and stay in their neighborhood for a while. If anyone asks, just say you’re in there for vehicle repossession and that they can call the police if they really care. If they actually do call the police, get the fuck out of there and come back in a different vehicle.
So once you’ve watched their house for 16 hours and made a note of their parents’ work schedule, you can surprise the family by breaking and entering. Make sure your guy and girl won’t be home. Once you’re there, you have a lot of options: you can club the husband while he’s out of sight from the wife and wait until the wife turns the corner, or you can just pull a gun to the husband’s head and order the wife to tie herself up, then tie the husband up as well. Either way works, you can get really creative with this one.
So once they’re fully bound and incapable of calling law enforcement, put them in bags and take them back to your house. You want this to be surprise, so you can’t risk bae catching you in action.
After they’re back to your house, drag the body bags into an enormous pot. You can usually find these from restaurant supply stores. You can remove the bags, and of course they will make muffled attempts at screams due to the rush of hormones released by their bodies. This will add to the result, so let it happen.
Once you’ve started heating the pot, you’re halfway there. Don’t mess with them beforehand. The result is much better when you have fresh gelatin, as opposed to stale gelatin. As the water boils, watch their abject terror as every psychological mechanism produced by their bodies tries to rationalize the event, such as by coming up with religious conceptions of afterlife and punishment to escape the unfathomable silence of nonexistence they will be subject to once their brain’s perceptive abilities are severed. Their bodies will be flooded with norepinephrine and cortisol, some of the “fear” hormones, which is great for your gelatin. Eventually their thoughts will be completely drown out by pain and suffering as their physiological processes struggle to maintain body temperature and their organs cease to function; what was once their internal monologue will be replaced by a dull hum; what was once their eyesight will be consumed by a hallucinatory blur; finally, oblivion consumes them as their bodies are defeated by external forces and their core neural and cardiovascular operations fail beyond repair. Their eyes have this nice stillness going on, and the only sound you hear after the calm of their death is the bubbling of the water. Very 4’33”.
Now, here’s the tricky part: you’re going to want to keep this boil going for several hours. Gelatin was originally made by boiling calves feet — here’s some background reading. Anyway, you’ll eventually need to strain the liquid. That’s a good guide but there are others if you need them.
Make sure you cut out their eyes though — we’re going to make this really special.
So once you have the eyes and gelatin, mix the gelatin with the peanut butter on triangle bread slices, smush the slices together into a sandwich and put two eyes from each parent on the sandwiches with little toothpicks. You can use a picnic bag if it’s more cute that way. But you don’t want to mess this one up, so here’s what I recommend saying:
“I know we’ve been apart for a while, but I’ve been thinking of you a lot. I really wanted to make this one special for you, so I thought about what was close to you, and, well, here. I put a lot of work into it. You’ll love it.”
If they don’t love it, fuck them. You’ve been in the friendzone too long anyway.
5. Make the peanut butter work for you
Look, I know what you’re going to say. “Some people have peanut butter allergies.” Some people can even die if you give them too much peanut butter. That’s great, right?
So a neat trick here is to put a shit ton of peanut butter in their food, and make it look like an accident. That way, when they die, you’re not responsible. Plus, you can sue the place that did it for emotional damages or something.
Post a really elaborate facebook status update to make it look like you care. Change your cover photo to them with their name and “[birth date] – [death date]” on it, so that there’s no way anyone would suspect you of peanut buttering them.
Now, you might be thinking “isn’t that illegal?” Look, tons of laws are unethical, and what is illegal isn’t always ethical. Just a while ago it was illegal for interracial marriage to happen. Do you think the law is correct 100% of the time?
Or, you might be saying “they’re not alive, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?” Nah, not at all. Because look, these are easy ways to nab a significant other. They’re still nabbed, even if they’re dead. You got this, girl.
6. Eat peanut butter in a kind of sexy way
Whaaaaaaaaat? That’s six reasons, Prachi. Get. Fucked.
Anyway, now that I’ve owned this chick from two years in the past, I’ve said all I’ve needed to say. I really have to give it up to Gupta though because if it weren’t for her, I’d never have written this, and I like this a lot. So if you like what I have to say also, follow me on Twitter. Maybe I’ll even holla at our girl Prachi. I promise I’m just as approachable as I am here.