When a chapter closes, healing opens, and this was meant to help what was once broken. Let’s just say relationships are sometimes beautiful disasters that can show you how much sun can come from rain. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I wish I could have heard my voice now. Repeat over and over again everything I really need instead of going after everything I thought I wanted. I gravitate towards people that want to see life in a different way but may not know where to start. I come in, I give, I challenge, I dig deep, and then they move on. The same outcome every time I give a little too much. I put everything out there so they never doubt who I am. The only problem is I reflect too hard on what I bring instead of looking directly at the person I am willing to give it to. I guess I thought you could get there one day, but I knew there was a strong chance you never would. Even with the times you believed you could love, I knew it wasn’t ever going to match what I was willing to give you. I was devoted to the possibility of loving you so much that it would force you to do the same.
You kept me at arms length so you could feel me when you wanted to but push me away when you didn’t. I was willing to settle for the space you let me in just so I could feel you a little longer. Long enough for you to figure out what you wanted while I sat there and remembered everything I had already given up. I was always worried about losing you, but I knew it was coming. I was so wrapped up in trying too hard. To get you to see a side of yourself that you were proud of, a version of yourself that wanted to be loved by someone good. Even though you thought I could do better, you could have been better. You had a voice, you had opportunity, and you had all the support. You chose your path and that didn’t include me, so I left. I left knowing damn well that I had a piece of you that could never be whole. I also knew that it was never just about trying to see if I fit into your life but realizing you were never meant to stay in mine. I don’t blame you, I don’t hate you, and I don’t envy you.
The beginning of learning to understand what you might not have seen before is one of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to love. However, I usually know in my gut when something doesn’t feel right. I vowed to never ignore that feeling again. There will be those moments that I question every little thing, but there are way more moments that make me feel like I know exactly where I am going and that’s what keeps me going. You should never miss what was never meant to be yours. That will never help me move on. I’ve opened up my mind to see the bigger picture, the one that you couldn’t imagine me in. Things played out for a reason but that doesn’t mean I have regrets. I will never say I wish it wasn’t you. I will just choose to walk away sooner.
I value myself more now for not settling for anything less than what I put out. You tried and I respect you for that. You just didn’t try hard enough to make way for a different outcome. You could always strive for more, learn more, and attract more if you really believe that is what you want. But who am I to ask that of you? Now, did you think she could save you? In a time where you didn’t know you could even help yourself, you pushed me away but decided to let her in? I guess life has a way of showing you things you didn’t think you deserved but needed. I chose to say goodbye, but now it was your turn. You definitely had a different view of closure, of your choices, and of respect. Now it’s about how I keep choosing to go forward.
Throughout this journey, I needed so much more growth, reflection, experience, and time alone. I am glad to see things so much clearer now. Thank you for letting me let you go so I could find myself. It’s never easy, but it showed me the difference between what is really important and what is temporary. I hope that you will find more peace within and less with others you try to fill it with. I also know that with grace and understanding your worth, everything will fall into place.
I have learned how to heal in a way that keeps me grounded. There is never a specific timeline in how I get through it all, but I know in order for happiness to come in I need to let go of everything that brings me down. I will continue to embrace and move forward from my pain, my past, and people that aren’t going to be a part of my future. I will forever practice patience, kindness, and stillness and hope the same for you. It is not about the place I was at before but where I decide to stay.