I met a guy who’s adamantly into Dominant/submissive style relationships. I think it’s one thing to see something in a porn and try it out in real life because the actress seems pleased by it, and another to have an ethos behind sex that isn’t very politically correct. Dude seems way smart, so I asked him to unpack it…for purely sociological reasons.
So, what kind of sex acts fall into the “Dominant” category?
It’s not really about the acts, it’s about the spirit behind the acts. I like to be in control, I like to be “forceful”, and I like to just sort of have my way with women.
It’s hard to believe the acts don’t matter. Don’t you get bored if you’re exercising that spirit in a too routine way? Or if the acts are all vanilla?
I get bored if it’s vanilla. The acts don’t matter so much. It can be oral (either way), it can be conventional missionary sex and it keeps my interest more than anything that would deviate from the D/s sort of spirit.
That’s funny, because the number one complaint I get from guys about their GFs is that they “only do missionary.”
Well, the guys would probably get more from their Gfs if they just took it. A girl doesn’t want to be asked if she likes doggy, she wants to be bent over and fucked from behind. If you ask, you get less.
I ascribe to that view, I generally prefer to apologize than ask permission, but do you think there’s a limit? And I’m thinking of anal, or stuff that you need to be more prepared for or that isn’t a common practice.
For a new partner, I would never fuck her ass or cum in her without knowing it was good.
For a partner I know is down, I don’t ask anything. I mean, anal takes some prep (so a girl can generally know it’s coming, and if she lets you finger and open up her ass GENERALLY you are okay to fuck her ass), but I wouldn’t do that with a new partner.
Do you think you get bored with sex more often than other guys? Because it seems like you intellectualize it more and have more specific things you need from it.
I think I intellectualize it less. I’m intellectualizing it now in retrospect. In the moment, it’s natural for me, it’s my reaction
I think being dominant is hardwired into our psyche, as men. A more interesting question is why would a independent woman want to objectified sexually by a dominant man? I think the answer is the same… our caveman selves take over.
Why you think that some men and women crave the opposite of their gender role? Wouldn’t they be “hardwired” the same way?
I think all women, eventually, crave to be dominated. I’ve been with women who considered themselves to be dominant, and dominated them. I don’t dominate in any bad way, just in the bedroom.
So you think its universal for women but not men?
No, I think it’s universal for both. I think the men that don’t act this way are lost and the women are reacting to those men.
I think you’re wrong, it seems there are people who genuinely enjoy acting out those roles.
Oh I think they genuinely enjoy those roles, but it’s counter to their hardwiring. They would be submissive (only sexually) for the right guy.
Have you experienced this personally? Has every woman you’ve been with wanted to be in a submissive role?
I’ve never had a woman who didn’t submit sexually. This includes women who considered themselves to be dominant, like really dominant.
Do you think you would have been attracted enough to a woman who wasn’t though, to get into that situation in the first place?
It’s hard to tell. I think I give off an alpha-ish vibe, so it’s likely a woman who wanted a sub wouldn’t be into me. However, I think if you asked dominant women if they ever enjoy being a sub, their answer would be yes. I don’t think that’s the same for dominant men.
What is the kinkiest thing you’ve actually done, to play this out?
What do you think is kinky? I’ve had threesomes, I’ve pissed on women (not my thing), I’ve had a woman tied up at my place for my weekend as a “sex slave”. I don’t know how you’d arrange those in terms of kinkiness. I’m not into toys and dungeons and all of that.
My friends and I talk about liking to get jizzed on, and I think that is considered sexually progressive, but I wouldn’t talk about choking with them. I think there’s a judgement at that point that it’s not feminist or that you’re setting up an expectation that other women will have to compete with, or something.
Yeah, all girls like a guy cumming on them, all girls like being choked a bit, they don’t like admitting it all of the time. Every girl I’ve been with loves being choked (and that’s a bit universal from my friends).
A lot of girls say publicly they don’t like that stuff, that it’s disrespectful.
They don’t mean it.
They feel they don’t enjoy it or it makes them unhappy because they don’t feel respected.
They are intellectualizing sex.
Do you think this kind of sex play affects the rest of your relationships? Like, do you think less of the girl? Do you think her needs or opinions are subservient to your own?
No, it has no effect on that part of my relationship. They are completely separate. The idea is “you’re so hot that I can’t refrain from shedding my outer gentleman and being like a dog in heat with you.”
It wouldn’t turn you on to be forceful in another situation, outside the bedroom?
No. I love strong women. The idea of sexually dominating someone who isn’t a strong person is a turn off, then I would feel like a bully.
Do you ever get worried about that? Because a lot of women won’t say no when they want to.
Part of dominating a woman that is sexy as knowing that she likes it. Despite her fighting, despite everything.
I think most women do things they don’t want to in the bedroom, with one guy or another.
I think you will hear about girls doing things sexually because they thought they had to, but I’ve never heard of a girl doing things sexually because the guy was dominant.
But you wouldn’t know, really, would you?
I think you would know.