You Let Me In, But Now You’ve Pushed Me Out And It’s Destroying Me

You tear me apart.

I don’t know when you had such an effect on me, and perhaps I knew it would happen all along and was just refusing to see it.

It started off innocently, with your bantering and my teasing. Then you started opening up and I started listening. You showed me sides that you didn’t show others – a certain softness as the veil of your facade gently melted away. Then we fell in our pattern; and the veil would naturally vanish whenever we were together. It was those moments, those natural unsuspecting moments, when your presence surreptitiously crept up upon me and found its place among the safe haven that I have built for myself.

The quiet shadow of you seeped under my window panes and found its way to the corner of my room, and before I knew it, I inadvertently gave you the permit to stay there, to build your own little space in my heart.

It wasn’t until when I noticed the little things when I realized you had bled into my life. I would see a beautiful sunset and snap a picture to show you. Hear the talented street pianist play and wished we could wrap our heads in whimsical fantasies together by letting the music take us away. Feel the ocean breeze and hoped to share it with you.

It was those moments, when I realized your presence had already crept up upon me.

But it was never meant to be; for if it was it would have been.

You, for your own reasons, eventually lifted your veil back up, shadowing the real you that lies within. Somehow, the reason why doesn’t matter so much – perhaps ambiguity can save me from the torture of asking myself whether you felt the same all along. Perhaps the ambiguity can save me from the mindfuckery of asking myself whether I was important to you at all, or perhaps I was just another short verse in your story of many, many paragraphs.

But regardless. The veil you put back up is tearing me apart. I still see you, talk to you, feel you. Yet it’s different – the veil is in between, and you hide behind it. It tears me apart to be on the other side, as if a knife has slowly incised open my heart. And a concoction of sadness, longing and nostalgia is poisonously seeping out, sending chills to every artery and vein in my body. And I cannot help my heart when it cries in protest, for you have somehow unknowingly obtained, and I have somehow blindly permitted, your presence to hover over me, like a shadow in the darkest winter days.