I don’t know how to be untruthful about myself. I’m an open book of thoughts, words, and feelings, and they pour out of every inch of me and spill out into text messages and notebook scribbles and sounds. I wear my skin inside out, and I’m not a secret or a mystery. What you see is what you get with me.
But people get bored with the girl who puts every inch of her honest self out there for the world to see. People like challenges – they’re interesting, solvable, unpredictable. They’re exciting. Everyone is intrigued by puzzles and uncertainty. Those who don’t share anything about their lives are the most interesting.
Is it that I am so open and honest about every aspect of my life because I know who I am, or is it that I know I’m the kind of person who is so open and honest about every aspect of my life? Are people who hesitate to reveal their true selves unsure of who they are, or are they sure they’re the kind of person who is hesitant to reveal their true selves? Which is it?
Sometimes it feels like life is dishonest. It feels like we’re all about the image, and we’re obsessed with this idea of depicting ourselves in a certain way and needing to maintain this depiction. “How am I portraying myself right now?” is a constant thought. “How does my life seem?” The desire to craft an exact persona drives us to do everything: to post on social media, to comment about something we read recently, to take on a debate in a conversation. We listen to music that we don’t love but that may impress people because we can then talk about it. We wear clothes that we also don’t love, but that also may impress people for whatever the reason. We put on fronts for boys we like, pretending things don’t bother us because we want to seem carefree and light-hearted. We watch TV shows because they are cool and popular. We want to fit in. We want to “seem.” We don’t want to “be.”
This is the trouble with seeming. It is unsustainable because it’s not you. The real, honest you. And the daily battles to portray the kind of person you think you should be will eventually become exhausting, and then, one day, you will grow up and you will no longer seem. You will grow up and you will simply be.
You will be the girl who really just doesn’t like Game of Thrones no matter how much the world raves about it. You will be the girl who likes to dress up nicely for class because it makes her feel good. You will be the girl who loves listening to the Rock of Ages soundtrack on repeat. You will be the girl who’s a bit inquisitive and who needs to talk her feelings out sometimes. And later in life, you might even be the girl who changes her mind about everything. But that’s okay. Because when you get older and start really figuring yourself out, life becomes easier. You will become confident with everything you are and everything you’re not. You will start accepting parts of you that you previously tried to reject, and you will simply be.
People might love mysteries, but I know that I’m not one. I thrive off of pure, unadulterated honesty. And whether or not that is a product of knowing who I am or simply a part of who I am remains a mystery in itself.
Regardless, I will simply be, and so will you. And it will be amazing.