1. Working out at weird times of the day.
It’s 4 PM on a Sunday, you know, the time I’d normally begin my nightly Netflix binge before the week starts. Instead, I realize I’ve been at home all day trying to deny my thoughts of He Who Shall Not Be Named, so sure I’ll head to the gym! 9:30 p.m. on a Tuesday? See ya soon, humid gym filled with sweaty men in bro tanks.
2. Changing my diet, because TBH like 80% of my thoughts are about food.
Okay, don’t get me wrong, I love being vegan (except when I’m drunk and need pizza to survive). It makes me feel like I’m OnE with NaTuRe~* and BFFs with all those farm animals I’ve never met. But really it’s my amazing (read: insane) little trick to help forget about what’s his face. I put so much time and mental energy into reading ingredients labels and deciding between kale vs. spinach green smoothies in the morning that I can’t possibly be bothered to think about the ex that I’m still totally thinking about. Er, I mean, more kale, please?
3. Treating my dog, who’s basically my furry little roommate, like a human.
I would bet that most loving dog owners treat their four-legged friend like a two-legged friend. However, my poor little pup has been subjected to sitting through impromptu therapy sessions in the living room when I look at him and ask, “Do you think he’s thought about me today?? Who’s that girl in his cover photo? Am I going crazy!?” Ugh, if only dogs could talk…and be big spoon every once in awhile.
4. Weird texting habits – because emoji speak louder than words.
There are rare times that we communicate and he says something sweet. Normally these “I miss you” and “Wish you were here!” texts would get a response, but now I resort to responding strictly in emoji. The worst is when he apologizes for being MIA for a few days, but that’s also the best opportunity to exert my control and IDGAF-because-clearly-I’m-over-you attitude with a simple 👍 response. Like, no I still don’t think about you and I’ve totally forgotten about you okay!?
5. Watching obscure Netflix docs aka shamelessly enjoying my guilty pleasures.
I used to think my lowest moment in life was forgetting to set up electricity before moving to my new single apartment in a new city. A few weeks ago, though, I realized I had reached a new low in my quest to getting over my ex when a professor asked us to tell the class about what movies and TV shows we watched over break. I rattled off a few documentaries about prison wives, cults, and being locked in solitary confinement for 10+ years and OMG what have I become!? OINTB = totally normal, millennial show about prison. Actual prison and cults docs? Not so much. But hey, the hour(s) I spent mesmerized by the #ThugLife were hours not spent thinking about the ex. Success!
6. Entertaining the idea of a drastic hair change.
This is the age-old trick for getting over an ex, but since I’ve already made the mistake of thinking I could pull of a bob I’m not about to repeat history. That doesn’t mean I don’t spend a significant amount of time on Pinterest scrolling through pages of short/medium/shaggy/highlighted/lowlighted/borderline insanely drastic haircuts. With the snip of a scissor I could be in control of my life and forget about my ex, because new hair, new me, right!?
7. Avoiding the subject altogether.
I love my grandma and she calls me at least every other day. But I swear every time we talk it takes her like 30 seconds to bring up my Ex. “How’s he doing? Is he loving law school? He’s going to be veryyyy successful some day, Lex.” As if I needed a reminder of him, gma. I’ve never filled more conversations with the phrase “I don’t know” than with my grandma lately. Yes I’ve heard from him and yes he’s liking law school, but if I give her any indication that me and the Ex still communicate suddenly it’s, “I know in my heart you two will be together again some day. Say hi to my future grandson-in-law for me!!” Bleh.
Unfortunately, I think it’ll take longer than I’d hope to forget about someone I dated for nearly all of college. But at least I have my soy milkshakes and endless dark documentaries to keep me company at night.