One Year Without You

It’s been a year today—365 days since you left me and shattered my heart into millions of pieces. When you broke up with me, it blindsided me, yes, but it hadn’t been going well for four months between us, and you realized before me that we didn’t belong together. You broke up with me, stopped talking to me, acted like I never existed, turned my best friend against me, and even started dating one of my friends.

You dumped me at the beginning of summer, so while you were out partying with your friends, I was stuck at home, wishing I could disappear because I felt so unloved and rejected. I was supposed to have this awesome summer with you, but instead, I was alone. Did you know how many times I had panic attacks before going to work? Every morning. Did you know I thought I could die from a broken heart because the pain was so deep? Did you know that you broke me completely?

I loved you so much, even when you put me second all the time, even when you told me it was always my fault for everything, even when I found out you still talked to your ex. I loved you for who you were because I knew you were a good person, or so I thought.

Around August, three months after our breakup, I decided to go on a date because I needed to take my mind off you. I went on a couple of dates during that one year without you, but none of it was like our first date. I was looking for you in every guy I met; I was looking for love and affection, but all in the wrong places.

Right before Halloween, I fell out of love with you. I finally saw you for who you were really; a man child with an addiction to partying, getting drunk, and hanging out with his friends. I then realized that I will never settle for less again. I finally started to enjoy myself without thinking of you all the time. Even if I was still hurt by your actions, I knew I had to pick myself up.

On December 31, right before midnight, I wished for myself to be truly happy and remember the strong woman I used to be. I told myself that 2020 would be my year.

Being in 2020 helped me get out of my funk, and I spent January and February with new friends that I will forever cherish. I started school and got a new job, which made me super busy like I was before I started dating you.

The quarantine helped me realize that there are worse problems in the world than my ex being a douchebag, and I needed that to finally get over the fact that you were dating one of my friends. Actually, I needed to finally get over the whole situation for good. Even if I didn’t love you anymore, I needed to stop being afraid to bump into you, especially you with her.

The sun finally started shining. Spring is here, and to me it means that something new and beautiful is coming. I know things will finally be better, and I’m excited for the future.

May 2020. It’s been one year without you. I don’t know what happened in your life since. I don’t know if you’re still dating the same girl or if you still spend all your weekends in bars, and to be brutally honest, I don’t care. I don’t wish you any harm, because I’m happy. I just wish you the same.

About the author
Dog mother. Writer. Happy lover Follow Alexe on Instagram or read more articles from Alexe on Thought Catalog.

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