I Didn’t Want To Say Goodbye, But I Had To

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to when you broke up with me and kicked me out of your house and your life.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to when, a month later, you refused to give me any sort of explanation. I only wanted closure; I wanted to know why, out of nowhere, you stopped loving me. You didn’t even want to see me to get your stuff back because you were avoiding me.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to when you turned our mutual friends against me and I found myself completely alone. I knew some sort of separation was necessary because we couldn’t be all together like before, but turning them all against me was better? While you guys were enjoying your summer, I was at home trying to mend my broken heart.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to because I was crying all the time while you were out partying. You started putting your life all over social media, and every time I opened Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat, I was scared to see something of you. I was scared to see you out living your best life while my pillow was soaked in tears.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to when I had panic attacks on the bathroom floor while you acted like I never existed. You didn’t even wish me a happy birthday; you never liked any of my Facebook pictures after the breakup and never congratulated me on my new job. We weren’t together anymore, but does it erase that we were part of each other’s lives for a year?

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to when I was sleeping alone while you were already sleeping with somebody else. She was sleeping in my spot while I was turning and tossing in my bed, trying to figure out what happened between us. She was now the one waking up with a good morning text while I woke up with a pit in my stomach. She was now the one stroking your hair while you watched your show, while I was watching our favorite show alone.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to when I realized I had to move on because you moved on a while ago. I needed to get you out of my head, because remembering when we were happy didn’t do me any good—it only broke my heart even more.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to because you weren’t good to me. In the last four months of our relationship, I was always crying because you treated me like a burden. Every time I wanted to talk to you about you putting everyone else first instead of me, you rolled your eyes and told me I exaggerated. Every time I wanted to do something else on a Saturday night, you refused because going out with your friends was more important. Every time I needed comfort or validation, you were too busy to give it to me.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I had to because I needed to be happy—not for you, not for somebody else, but for me.

About the author
Dog mother. Writer. Happy lover Follow Alexe on Instagram or read more articles from Alexe on Thought Catalog.

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