I didn’t have to know the damage I did because it was written all over the person I loved more than anything’s face. It was pure pain; like they were trying hard to not keel over from getting the wind knocked out of them. I stood frozen to the spot even though I wanted to reach out and hold them. I couldn’t be that person. I had lost that right the second I hurt them.
I can feel the word fall out of my mouth before they try to leave. I want to tell them that everything I did was wrong and that I need them. I want to tell them that I love only them. I want to be the one who lays next to them at night. I want to be the one that looks into their eyes every day and reminds them that they are the person, my person and I will choose them every time. Even though right now I’m the one breaking their heart.
I manage two more words as they try to shove past me. I know they want to go and I want to let them but I can’t. I can’t stop telling them to wait. I need them to turn around and just wait. We need to be able to work this out. I just need to apologize and make up for all of the times I let them down. I need to be able to tell them that I’m just immature and a sad human being but they can’t walk away. I can’t let them go.
I just want to say come here, please. I want to be able to intertwine our fingers again. But my words are failing me. I don’t know how to make this right even though I want too. So maybe I should just let them go. Maybe I should turn this internal monologue into a conversation but I can’t. Because I know what I did was wrong and fucked up. I know that they’re going to tell me there are things I’ve done that I can’t undo. They’re going to call me the villain in their story and I’m not going to disagree.
I need you to wait.
Every second I spent with that stranger, I wasn’t thinking about the impact I was going to have on my person. I didn’t think I was going to be here, standing with my heart in my hands, begging them to wait so I can tell them how much I want to stay right here. Or how I know now that even though I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life with someone else that I know I love them. I should have known that I loved them for the past nine months instead of testing it.
Dear God, just wait.
I can’t keep stalling this way. I need to tell them how scared I was that this was right. That nothing ever goes right for me so I did what I do best. I fucked it up. I destroyed this love in the worst way possible. I just don’t believe good things happen. I don’t deserve to be happy. I certainly don’t deserve to be happy now. I can’t tell them that with them I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and everything just feels right around them. I can’t tell them any of that now that I’ve done this. Now that I’ve damaged them in a way that I can’t take back.
I’m begging you wait.
But asking them to wait is wrong. Asking them to stay when I’m so incredibly fucked up is wrong. Not being able to talk about what I did to hurt them is wrong. I realize that my silence is no longer tolerated as I hear the door shut behind me. Instead of stopping them, I let them go.
Because asking them to wait isn’t fair no matter how much I love them.