You wake up. You feel something’s different but you’re not quite awake enough to put your finger on it. Slowly but surely, as you become more conscious, you realize you’re in your bed alone. You haven’t woken up alone in a long time. Now it’s something you have to start getting used too. You check your phone and realize that you won’t have any good morning texts from the one person you so badly want to hear from.
Your stomach will knot as you realize that the person you invested time and love into is no longer around. They decided that it just wasn’t working. So, someone let go or both of you did. Either way your heart is broken. Your heart has shattered. You just want the anxiety to go away and to sleep and eat normally. But you can’t. Not yet.
Your friends tell you you’re going to be OK. You’ll see your friends. They’ll tell you that everything is going to be alright. Pretty much everyone has been where you’re at and they’ve survived. In a way that gives you hope for yourself. That you’re going to be OK. But right now, their words are just words and the feelings you have inside of you are too terribly painful to allow you to process what they’re saying. So yeah, you’re going to be OK but you don’t feel like it at all right now.
Your family tells you that they never liked your ex anyways. Not even a little bit. They were good at faking it for the entire longevity of your relationship. Your sibling never wanted to hang out with them one on one but did because they love you. Your parents will remind you that you deserve someone who’s not going to dip out when things get hard and that it speaks to your ex’s character… not yours.
You’ll reread the text messages you got before the day your heart broke. Yeah you kinda knew something was up the entire day before but you didn’t want to believe it. We never want to believe that someone we love is about to do something that’s going to hurt us in ways we never thought would ever happen. So, you’re going to look for secret messages that maybe could have prepared you for this. But they won’t be there.
You’ll try to figure out the reasons why. Maybe if I was skinnier. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I was *enter adjective here*. You’ll look for the reasons why because we always want logic even though some things are emotional. Emotions aren’t logical. Sometimes there are not concrete reasons why and that’s the hardest thing to accept.
You’ll realize you deserve better. It’s going to happen slowly. You’re going to realize that maybe you weren’t being completely fulfilled by that relationship. You don’t want to be in something that’s got such high highs and such low lows. That’s not the way relationships should be. You realize now that you deserve a rock not a rolling stone.
You’ll stop blaming yourself because you know you gave it everything you had. It’s hard not to blame yourself when a relationship ends because it’s easier to turn it inward. It’s easier if you can look for all the reasons why you weren’t good enough. But sometimes you can give everything you have and it can end anyways.
You’ll let them go. You wish them well in your mind. You don’t think about why things didn’t work out and start to figure out what you want for your future. You don’t think about them as much. You heal.
You find you again.