“You know bigger chicks are fantastic in bed cause they try harder so I know you’re going to be great.”
I had to have heard that wrong. My heart that was comfortably sitting my chest had plummeted into my stomach. I had just met this guy, didn’t plan on sleeping with him and was now stuck in a conversation that I was trying to figure out how to get out of. He continued to then discuss how great I am going to be in bed and finished the sentence by saying “that’s a compliment.”
OH! It’s a compliment! Oh my God well, I didn’t know that. Because that completely changes now how I feel about myself. I feel completely OK with the fact that this guy just told me that my size makes me good in bed because I try harder. I try harder because hot people don’t try. He just told me exactly what I had always been afraid of, my looks are good enough so then in turn all of me isn’t good enough.
I am a size 12. This isn’t considered plus sized. I have ranged in sizes with my biggest being a size 20. You know what stayed the same as my waistline changed?
Me. My personality. My wit. My ability to be a good friend. My whole entire entity other than my physical appearance was completely and utterly the same.
That didn’t matter though. It didn’t matter because I was still not the smallest person in the world so that meant that societally I am not acceptable. It doesn’t matter that I’m getting my masters or that I’m a really great friend or talented at cooking. It didn’t matter that I have a dog or my own apartment or a job that I work really hard at. It didn’t matter that I’m funny, like the kind of funny that makes you burst out loud at random times. It didn’t matter that I’ve spent time abroad or that when I love someone I give them everything.
None of that matters. Why?
Because conventionally this world is telling me that I am unattractive due to my weight. While people can say that this is one asshole and I shouldn’t let it bother me, it’s not the first time I’ve heard a comment on my weight and it probably won’t be the last.
But the truth is that I’ve done the exact same thing. I’ve judged people on their looks because it’s so deeply engrained in my brain to look at people’s physical flaws and base my attraction to them on that. I’ve heard my girl friends say they won’t date a short guy and my guy friends say they won’t date a tall girl. I’ve heard people say, “Well they’re not my type physically even though they’re basically everything I want.”
I do believe attraction is necessary in order to have a successful relationship but I don’t believe attraction should be solely based on looks. We need to look at our partners and love them for exactly who they are because our physical features change as we age or have kids or go through rough patches. We change. So, if you basing your entire relationship on looks and not whether this person fits in your life, then you’re going to end up disappointed if anything on their body changes.
After that guy said that to me, I did the exact opposite to what I should have done. I went to the gym and worked out harder than I ever did before. I gave myself an even stricter diet than what I was already on. I made myself obsess over my weight and how I could change it. Due to that, I missed out on a lot of things. I missed out on dinners with friends and nights out. I missed birthdays and coffee dates just because I had a schedule and had to stick to it.
And for what? What did I really gain from that? I gained a bit more muscle. I gained a very strict routine that started making me a shitty friend. I stopped balancing my life and started being the person I hated. The one who told other people how unhealthy their food was. I started making other people feel shitty because I let someone make me feel shitty.
If you’re healthy and your body works for you then FUCK the rest. Seriously. Fuck it. Have fun with your friends. Eat a burger. Eat a salad. Eat whatever you feel like eating. Don’t count calories, count memories. Don’t be so strict that your other relationships start to suffer.
Be you. That’s all you need to be.
And to that guy who reduced my sexual prowess to my size; you got one thing right — I am great in bed. But not for that specific reason. I’m great in bed because I take the time to get to know someone, really know someone which means I know exactly what they like and dislike. I’m passionate and that passion follows me into the bedroom. I’m smart, the kind of smart that knows who’s worth sleeping with and who’s not. That in itself makes it so that my between the sheets adventures are all incredibly mind blowing.
So, before reducing someone down to their physical attributes ask yourself this; does it matter or am I just being a complete asshole?