I’m trying not to be pathetic. I’m trying to not be sad about something I never had. The truth is that I am so very, very sad about my almost relationship never becoming an official one. Not because I think that I’ll never find love again but because I was so sure I had gotten it right. I was so sure that this time, putting everything on the line for someone was going to come up in my favor.
I was wrong.
So I’m trying really hard to not be pathetic. I’m trying really hard to not go crawling back to him with my heart in my hand just asking him to reconsider. While I know I did nothing wrong, I still can’t get the aching feeling deep in my heart to go away. I can’t get it to stop reminding me that once again I am so very alone.
As we get older, we start to realize how being independent is great but having someone to share your life with, well that’s just the cherry on top. I’ve watched all my friends, girls and guys, meet their forever person. It starts to seem like everyone is pairing off and starting their lives together and me? Well I’m stuck in the same situation as always. Falling for someone who is never going to love me back.
I start to wonder if there’s something inherently wrong with me. Why am I always stuck in one sided relationships where I give everything too? How do I somehow still end up on my back in the middle of my apartment trying to drown out the sound of my own pain with Fleetwood Mac? When it comes down to it, no matter who you are or what you had, relationship endings hurt like a motherfucker.
I don’t want to believe that I’m becoming that cynical single person who hates happy people but I am.
I want to believe in love. I want to believe in forever people. I want to believe in the magic of it all. The truth is though that I don’t anymore. I don’t believe love is this magical fairy tale we all get to experience. Maybe some of us are just meant to be on our own and have our happy individual lives. We’re meant to have animals and friends who take care of the loneliness. We’re meant to have fulfilling lives in our own way that doesn’t involve falling in love.
Love is messy. Love is so unforgiving. Love is going to chew you up and spit you out more often times than not. It’s going to be grueling and a chore. It’s going to make you question your own self-worth. It’s going to make you want to breakdown and rip your hair out.
But for that one time it actually works out, I have to admit it seems to be worth all of the pain.
It seems as though when you fall in love with someone who feels just the same way about you that you feel about them that everything about past relationships gets erased. It seems that when you fall in love, real love, your heart heals from all the hurt and agony.
So I’m trying really hard to not be that pathetic, cynical person I become when things don’t work out. I’m trying really hard not to go back to someone who’s wrong for me because it feels better than being lonely right now. I’m trying to crush my need for instant gratification and believe that there really is something better out there for me. Maybe it won’t come in the form of a relationship but in a way I could never imagined.
When you feel heartbroken and pessimistic about the future, remember this; you are going to be happy. Just wait and I know it’ll all work out the way it’s meant to.