No Matter Where I Go I’ll Always Smile When I Think Of You

Azrul Aziz
Azrul Aziz

It was a simple flight. Quick. Relatively quiet. Normal. But all I could do was think about you. Think about how for the last week you’re the only thing on my mind. Think about how much you’d love to be here right now. Think about how great it would be to hold your hand during take-off, inflight and landing.

I’ve never been that girl. The one who believes that something real can happen outside of fantasy. Because I often get caught up in my head which makes it hard to separate fantasy and reality. And fantasy is usually so much better. But not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I just want to know what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours constantly. I want to know if you’re thinking the exact same thing that I am. I want to know what it will take to be the constant thing on your mind.

When we met I think I knew you’d be big for me. Whether it was nothing but friendship or something more. You were always going to be a big deal. And you haven’t disappointed. You’ve been nothing short of incredible. You are incredible.

It’s scary. Scary to think that you are real life. You’re someone who exists. You’re someone I can actually reach for my phone and text. You’re not some figment of perfect I’ve created in my head. And while you’re completely imperfect, you’re the person I’ve needed you to be. And that’s scary.

When you meet amazing people it’s hard not to question them. Because everyone is amazing when you first meet them. They get you excited just to get to know them. The new and shiny is just so bright that you turn a blind eye to everything else that could be potential warning signs. Things telling you that this person isn’t exactly all they’re cracked up to be.

Then little by little the illusion cracks. Those tiny spider cracks lead to random broken pieces falling onto the ground. Until finally there’s nothing holding everything together and it shatters into a million pieces onto the ground. And that sucks. That moment that happens you question what the fuck you were thinking. How you got so caught up in the new and shiny but didn’t pay attention to the darkness lingering shallowly beneath the surface.

Slowly you build yourself back up. You convince yourself to give another person another chance. You let yourself think about someone else in a way that makes your stomach turn. You let yourself start to think about the future. You caught up in the fantasy but also allow yourself the very real and amazing reality. You let yourself start to care again about someone new.

And for me, that’s you.

It’s hard not to wonder if I gave up all of this if you would be waiting with open arms. Just ready to welcome me home. Because you could find another person tomorrow and I’d have to be OK with that. And I would be.

But you’re not something I take lightly. Even though circumstances right now make it so things just aren’t that easy, I know that if it’s meant to be it will. And maybe that’s naïve or stupid but the truth is there’s really no other option. While it’d be great to think that this is a movie and that you’ll magically be around when I need you to, it’s not. This is real life. This isn’t the fantasy I want it to be.

As much as I’d love to show you my world, show you all the new things I’ve learned, let you in on my secret hiding places I go to when I need to just get away. I know that right now I can’t. And even though I’m not with you I’m going to be OK. Because I have to be. Not just for me but for you as well.

So I’ll sit on this flight. Excited for the new destination that waits for me. Then I’ll think of you and I’ll smile. Because when it comes to you it’s hard for me not too. TC mark

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