I don’t know if getting over you is an option anymore.
I’ve tried. Shit have I tried. But it just hasn’t happened. And Facebook likes to remind me of how happy we used to be. At first, those memories used to be just a piece of nostalgia. Just something I could look at from time to time when they popped up and smile because you and I were so happy.
But now, as I sit here, older but not even close to wiser, they are constant torture. They are the reminders of how happy I was then and how unhappy I am now. Because even though we had so many problems, big ones, the moments of solace in between were worth it. Were worth everything. And if I had to do it all over again, I would. In a heartbeat.
This nightmare makes me wish that I was dreaming. That I’m going to wake up and none of the past few years have happened and I still have you. I still have everything that I had ever wanted and didn’t take it for granted. Because I did take you for granted and that was my fault. I ran so far away to escape the pain of you and I was doing great. Until I was forced to sit with myself. Forced to feel those painful feelings and memories that came along with losing you.
Because you are the most painful feeling I’ve ever felt.
At times it cripples me to the point where my knees buckle and I fall forward. It’s those moments, when I let myself feel the pain of losing you, is when I know I should have done it long ago. Because maybe if I had faced those feelings and dealt with them, they wouldn’t be as severe as they are right now.
But we both know that wouldn’t be true.
You will always be my biggest heartbreak and my biggest regret. And that’s just something I’ve been getting used to.
Something I’ll never fully accept but will eventually just let become a part of me. The jaded part I notice only when I start to let myself feel any sort of romantic feelings for someone else. Because there’s no way I’m going to let someone into those guarded parts of my heart again.
That’s the problem with knowledge, as soon as we know something, we’re less likely to be naïve about outcomes. And I know how hard I battle daily to continue with a routine that just feels so lacklustre without you. One that has taken me years to work on. One that has just made me run away time and time again to feel a version of alive.
I never knew when someone got under your skin, how hard it would be to wash them away. How often you have to actively work on being OK without them. I had always assumed, as adolescent as it sounds, that once you were sure you found the love of your life you both were just meant to be. But I can tell you as an adult, I don’t believe in that anymore.
I don’t believe that love is something that just happens to us and that’s it.
Love is something we work for. That’s a mantra that repeats in my head every time I start to go down the path of new love. This is something I’m going to have to work for. Something I’m going to have to fight for. Something I’m going to have to prepare for. And since the time that you left me, I haven’t been ready to fight again. Because I gave all my efforts, strength and energy to someone who was never going to be mine.
And while it might seem sad that I still wrestle daily with you, while I don’t fully believe I’ll ever be completely over you. While I think that you’ll always manage to haunt me until the day I die, I don’t believe that love is something that will never come again. Love is just waiting for me to pick myself up and get back into the ring.
It’s waiting for me to be able to be strong enough to push through when things aren’t ideal.
So right now, while you still cripple me, I know that one day I’m going to get back up. I’m going to be able to love again. And hopefully you’ll no longer be the nightmare that haunts me but more a distant memory of something that once was.
And when that day comes, it’s to be the best day of my life.