Hi. My name is Alexandria and I have depression, anxiety, a touch of OCD and a whole lot of quirks. I hate saying those words out loud and admitting that I have some cracks in my armor. I have a good life going for me but I struggle on a regular basis to see the good in things, which makes me a hypocrite because I speak about happiness and why people should be happy on a regular basis. I do truly believe that but internally my brain is at war with itself.
So this one is for you. The person keeping it together when really you feel like falling apart. And you, the person who looks like they have everything and knows they have a ton to be grateful for but just can’t. Or you, the person who just feels incredibly alone right now.
I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve looked at myself and thought about how easy it would be to just not exist. I wouldn’t be in pain. I would lift the burden from my family and friends. I would be able to just not anymore.
But then I thought about it. That’s what my anxiety wants. That’s what my depression wants. The terrible two want me to give up on myself and just succumb to the darkness. And I didn’t come to this realization alone. I have been in therapy for a long time. Dealing with the dark things that have been haunting me for a while.
I was tired of my friends and family telling me I was fine. I knew that they just wanted me to be happy but unfortunately unless you’ve been through this, it’s hard to really explain to people.
So I get you. I get where you’re coming from right now. You’re wanting to know if there’s a light at the other end of the tunnel. If there’s something good coming around the corner to make all this bad seem like it wasn’t that bad. You want to know that if you get through this one more time that the pain and the down cycle might just leave you alone for good.
I wish I could tell you that it does. That magically you end up better and that you can go on feeling happy for the rest of your life. I can’t because that’s not true. You’re going to go through tough shit. You’re going to deal with hardship. But you can fight your way through it. I mean you’ve gotten through all the hard times so far, so you’re already ahead of the game.
I want you to know one thing; you are so loved.
Maybe you don’t see it right now. I know it definitely doesn’t feel like it but you are. There is someone who loves you and wants you to be OK. They want to make sure you’re around to see another day. Maybe they don’t fully understand what you’re going through but if they’re there in the dark times then they’re the kind of people you keep around.
Those people are the ones who hold you tightly as your panic attack starts to set in. The ones who talk you through the bad times. The ones who lay next to you in your bed when you can’t get out from under the covers. Even if they physically can’t be there, if you have someone just checking in on you no matter distance, then those people are amazing. Hold on to those people.
And when it feels like you have nothing or no one, just remember one thing; you are loved. Try not to question that. Just keep that in the back of your mind when everything life starts to get harder. You are loved.