You’re so mean to your mom.

The words echoed in my head as my friend was explaining how the sarcastic comment I had made earlier probably made my mother feel as though she was less than. But that was the way it was. Our relationship was made up of me being a complete jackass and my mom just getting it. I’m harder on her than anyone else in the world and she just had to accept that.

It wasn’t until Christmastime that I had realized that my actions and words had taken a toll. My mother was always one to let it roll off her back. She was and is my biggest support and listens to me at my lowest. She puts up with the uncontrollable anxiety attacks. The lashes of unsolicited anger. The incredibly painful to hear details. She was my best friend and biggest confidant. But calling her my best friend isn’t a strong enough phrase.

So when I saw the damage of my words across her face was when I realized that I was slowly crushing the one person who didn’t deserve to feel like she meant nothing was when I realized what was going on. My dad and I have a crazy connection where we just get each other. My brother and I are extremely close.

She’s the person I’m scared to lose more than anyone else. And if I’ve learned anything about myself over the past few years, it’s that the things I love the most are the things I’m the hardest on. It’s because if I can push them away before they can leave then I’m going to be OK. It’s my biggest defense mechanism and my even bigger flaw. So I push her. I push her so hard because I’m waiting for the day she proves my biggest fear right and just gives up.

But like all great moms she’s never going to do that. Moms have gone through it all with you. They were your source of life.

They want you to succeed more than anything and more than that they’re going to love you through everything.

I tell my mom everything. Everything. There is no topic that hasn’t been touched. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that she is the only person in this entire world that knows every detail of my life. She knows every lie I’ve told and the real story behind it. She knows about how when the world starts to cave in that getting out of bed is just too hard for me. She knows in her gut when something is wrong and she knows to call at the exact time I need her too.

Everything I am and everything I will be is because of her. While there have been influences in my life to guide me in certain directions, she is my compass that keeps me true to me. Without my mom I would not be anywhere near where I am today.

What I’ve learned is this, maybe I am hard on my mom but it’s because I love her so much that she’s the one person if they ever left would crush me. So I’m scared of that but mostly scared of how much I love her. I know when I have children I’ll love them the way I love my mom. And I’ll know exactly how to give them unconditional love because she taught me that it exists.