The word felt dirty the second I said it. Even though they say it’s a way of keeping yourself pure, it made me feel like I was committing to something I hated. My relationship with sex has been a rocky one to say the least. It’s something I’ve never needed but always wanted. It’s made me feel alive while simultaneously making me feel dead inside. It’s a means to an end that usually leads me to starting over more times than not.
Confusing, right? Sex in this day and age is confusing. They say women use sex to find love while men use love to find sex. I don’t believe that. I mean of course in some cases this is true but I think we use sex to feel some sort of connection with another person. Gender aside, it doesn’t matter who you are, you want to feel a connection with another human being.
We’re all so busy with our careers, friends and activities that we can find sex by swiping right. We can find sex at a bar after we’ve worked up the courage after a few drinks. We can find sex by texting someone, ‘Netflix and chill?’ Sex isn’t the hard thing to get, finding an authentic connection that shakes you to the core is.
I have a problem with sex. I use it to feed my ego. To feed the dark parts of me that need the constant reassurance. I’m not sure where it started or who told me I wasn’t worth anything but it’s there. I see it every time I’m faced with the dilemma to either give myself to someone or to not. I sometimes choose the ladder but if it’s someone as dark and twisty as myself, then it’s usually the former.
I like dark. I like messy. I like men with problems. They are the ultimate for me. If there’s something I can fix in them, even temporarily, then I’m going to do it. I’m going to give them something to feel better. I’m going to give them me for however long they need me for.
It’s easier to try and fix someone else than to take a hard look in the mirror and work on yourself. I’m a preacher of self-love and self-confidence but I’m also a hypocrite. I don’t want to look at the parts of me that hurt because I can fill that with sex. Sex is the easiest way to see my ego inflate while simultaneously crushing myself esteem.
It all came to a rock bottom end though. I woke up, unable to look at myself. Wondering who the fuck I had become. Who the fuck was I if I wasn’t fixing someone else? I was constantly trying to be someone everyone else needed that I wasn’t the person I needed.
Having random sex doesn’t make you question who you are if you’re doing it for the right reasons. I’m all about sex. I think I always will be. But my relationship with sex had become so incredibly disastrous that when my friend told me to try abstinence, that I felt physically ill. Physically ill that I should no longer lose myself in someone else but that I should try to find me instead.
Sex is amazing. It’s fantastic. It’s one of the greatest feelings in the world if you’re doing it for the right reason. I don’t think you need to be in love to have great sex but you need to love yourself. You can’t expect the fact that you get laid on a regular basis replace seeing your own value.
Don’t hit rock bottom before you find your worth. Don’t let something replace self-love. Do the hard work now and reap the benefits. For me, maybe it is abstinence. For you, maybe it’s not. Either way, when we take the time to see what it is that’s holding us back and work on it, we’ll ultimately be happier in the end. I know it.