Don’t worry yourself about memorizing capitals, dates, and constitutional amendments (most of us don’t know any of that stuff anyway). These easy steps will have you picketing funerals and swaddling newborns in confederate flags with your fellow Americans in no time.
1. Marry one of our own
This is not a highly recommended technique, as it requires being married to an American. It does work, however.
2. Chug a can of Miller Lite and burp the alphabet during your exam
Brand loyalty and an appreciation for the American alphabet are key components of an American’s identity. Any examiner worth their salt will recognize this, especially if you say “My bad, brah” after forgetting what comes after Q.
3. Simply declare that Jesus is your hero, so you want to be an American like him
For best results, try this in the Bible Belt.
4. Send your buddy a Snap of you saying “holy guacamole” at a monster truck rally
The NSA has various filters designed to pick up on True American Spirit, and this method is a bona fide winner. All text messages praising Top Gun are treated with similar deference, and you can expect your certificate of citizenship in the mail within 2 business weeks.
5. Tell your examiner that you intend to purchase a gun so you can protect your children from the homosexuality-inducing effects of marijuana
Use this technique with caution as it often leads directly to a spot in the Senate. Recommended for individuals interested in politics.
6. Yell “WHAT?!” after your examiner says “I haven’t seen Star Wars”
This is a risky move, as most Americans have seen Star Wars. However, if you luck out and end up with one the four examiners in the country who haven’t, they’ll be forced to give you a pass when they’re powerfully reminded of literally every interaction they’ve ever had with other Americans.
7. Slowly push a Whopper into your examiner’s mouth with the muzzle of an AR-15
Both the AR-15 and the Whopper are all-American instruments of death. Using them in conjunction is known as “American kissing” and subtly lets your examiner know that you support the troops.
Note: do not French kiss your examiner. This is an act of treason and will be treated as such.