I’d like to think of this as a living document, not unlike the Constitution, depending on your political views. It is a collection of what I’ll now refer to as RRFs (Relationship Red Flags). When you notice an RRF, it means that you should GTFO, ASAP. I write these with the gift of hindsight, in the hopes that you will learn from my mistakes, or at least that I won’t repeat them more than a few more times.
RRF #1: they won’t go to brunch.
Before I explain, I’d like to note that these are “relationship red flags” and not “hook-up red flags.” If we’re just hooking up, then no, please do not take me to brunch. I do not want to see you in that amount of sunlight in last night’s clothes. And even if we’re in a relationship and brunch is acceptable, I understand that it cannot be a weekly occurrence. It’s expensive and a huge caloric commitment. But if your boyfriend never takes you to brunch because they’re cheap or counting calories or just can’t get out of the house before 2PM on a weekend, then we have a problem. And for the gentlemen: regarding the calories, it’s called an egg-white omelet. There’s no mandate from the Brunch Gods saying that you have to get the red velvet pancakes and bottomless mimosas. You can resist.
RRF #2: they use economic phrases and/or models to explain any aspect of your relationship.
Yes, this has happened to me. Twice. With two different people. If this doesn’t show you that a man is an emotionless rock, then you simply cannot be reached.
RRF #3: you’ve established that you’re in a relationship, but they won’t make it Facebook official.
First of all, I know that we’re not 14. Actually, if we were 14, we’d probably be communicating about our relationship through Instagram, since Facebook has become a medium through which middle-aged women share inspirational quotes and videos of animals. However, if we both have Facebook (even if you “never use it”), it’s an RRF if you won’t add the relationship. Why? Because…why not? The number of “likes” is not even a thought here…we can even hide the update. But if you won’t post it, I’m going to think there is some deeper insecurity, or perhaps a soon-to-be expired restraining order against an unstable ex.
RRF #4: they take you to a brewery and proceed to ask for samples of six different beers.
When you inquire as to why they are doing this, they say that it’s a way to save money. This is after they “casually” reveal that they make upwards of $70K. That’s the type of behavior I’ve only seen on TLC’s “Extreme Cheapskates,” and to that I say good night.