When You’ve Lost ‘Home’ And Have To Find It Again

The concept of home has always been a conflicting one for me. Every time I try to attach a definition to the word I find myself adding amendments here and there. A constant adding and subtracting of ideas that I attach to the word, or the ideas I desperately want to make true.

For a long time, I tried to stop referring to Texas as home. I no longer lived there, it was now in the past tense. Texas has become the place I visit twice a year on long school breaks. I’m never there long enough to catch my breath. I wanted to feel like wherever I was, was home. I wanted the most comforting place on earth to be within myself. As much as I tried to separate myself there was still this incessant tugging at my heart that wouldn’t cease.

I’m constantly chasing things outside my comfort zone and it feels fraud-like to feel that within a physical home is where I am most comfortable. Then I realized that this constant chasing of bigger things was exactly why my “Home” must be a physical one.

Living abroad, taking in new sights and sounds every day, lights a fire in my belly I didn’t know could exist. It also leaves me with a mental exhaustion, that then embodies a physical one, that I never knew I would feel. Finding a physical space that could take me out of all of this “new”, and be a constant for my overly active mind was the best thing for me. Having a place where there were no assaults on my senses, allowed me to be gain even more excitement and energy for when I went on the road again. It was through this I accepted home to be a physical place for me. Home is where I’m most relaxed, home is where my heart quiets from a thundering in my chest, to an even and unstressed pace.

I realized that the concept of home is different for everyone who tries to define it for themselves, for some it’s a place, some it’s a feeling, and some it’s a person. I found through my lifestyle how to define it for myself. Maybe it’s not an abstract concept for everyone. It could very well just be a house on a street, or a bed that you sleep in. The fact that there are so many ways to view a home is the sole reason that it fascinates me so much. I suppose my own definition of home will change has I grow older and settle into a new phase in my life. Though I hope all of the ways I’ve experienced home are never lost to the next one.