In many, many ways, I found you perfect. It’s not right to think of boxes that need to be ticked, but let’s face it: we all have them. Whether we do it knowingly and obsess over them or just keep them as a safety thing, we all have certain traits that we look for in a partner. Whether it’s a nice smile, a sense of humor, a beard, glasses, liking dogs, or a career in a particular field, we all have some boxes that we hope get ticked, and we all rejoice when they do.
With you, let’s just say you ticked boxes I never even knew I had. Secret boxes that I never revealed to anyone because I feared I was asking too much or asking for such particular things that I should just erase those boxes completely. We clicked on things I never hoped or dreamed would be possible, because those were the things that made me me. There’s traits, hobbies, or passions that I share with many people, a face that I show to most of the world, and there’s the me I show to only a selected few, if any — the me in my head. The narrator. The voice in my head that no one else will ever know, who says things no one else will ever hear, the uncensored me. It’s this uncensored, unscripted version of myself that I see so much in you. It’s the thoughts in my head that rarely make it into the real world that you just say out loud and make real. It’s jokes, comments, or remarks that I think but do not say, for I don’t always speak my mind, not because of shyness, but because most people wouldn’t get it.
“Our brains are weirdly similar and connected.” That’s what you said, and I was thinking it too. I thought that more than once but never said it, but you did. You said it out loud and the thought stopped being a thought and became a certainty. Surely it’s not just me — I’m not imagining this.
I do feel like our minds are connected. We operate on the same wavelength. We make the same connections, and we are complicated people, so this is not something that happens frequently. Not to me, at least. Heck, let’s be honest here: it’s never happened to me before.
I think I’m infatuated with your brain. Is this a thing? Not necessarily with WHAT you’re thinking, but just by the WAY your brain makes decisions. I don’t agree with some of them; hell, the ones that concern me, I certainly don’t agree with those! But I’m still fascinated by how it works. Can my heart be in love with your brain? Is this even possible?
I like how determined you are. I respect that. I like how you can control and manage your emotions, even if that means hurting me in the process. I wish I could do the same. I wish I could be more like you. I don’t think I’ve ever had feelings like these for anyone before. I don’t remember ever admiring any of my exes. Hell, I rarely admire other PEOPLE. I don’t follow Influencers, I don’t have many people I look up to or any role models, but I do admire you. Your ambition, you determination and perseverance, but mostly the cold, calculated way you deal with your with emotions. I’ve always thought I didn’t let my emotions get in the way and that all my decisions are made using my brain and not my heart. It’s the way I’ve been functioning for 28 years; it’s the reason people call me selfish, cold-hearted, or a bitch from Hell, to quote my ex. It’s the reason I’m good at my job, it’s why I can be impartial and non-judgemental; I am rational.
Or better, I used to be rational. I have a list inside my head with all the things that make you suck, all the not-so-nice things you’ve said or done to me, that should make me not only stop liking you , but completely erase you from my heart and mind. The narrator in my head reads it, and I am fine with hating you… for about five seconds. For how can I be angry or upset with a brilliant mind that puts matters of the brain over matters of the heart?
Getting over you will be one of the hardest things I will have to do, but it starts today.