Love Her And Lose Her

It was her energy that captivated me. That vibe that a man craves when he’s too far gone and meeting someone who possesses his desire is the only salvation he could find.

I didn’t want to admit it at first. Thinking about it feels odd. Saying it makes my mouth numb. Hearing it sounded like shrills. And honestly, I loathe it.

I hate the idea that with her doing nothing, it gives me waves of emotions that I didn’t even know I am capable of feeling. Seeing her smile gives me butterflies that I would rather rake my stomach to flesh than feel that uncomfortable pull that I so badly want to resist.

I hate her.

I hate the idea of her.

I hate how she makes me feel weak.

I hate how she can see right through me like I’m just some common mirror in a building.

With her eyes, I feel so exposed. Transparent. Like I’m compelled to cover myself up with the biggest and thickest blanket there could ever be.

She shook me with a magnitude so wide and intensity so high that she doesn’t even know she’s crumbing me down to pieces.

And that just makes me want to hate her more.

With the persistence of denial and pride, it drew me even closer to her. And for the first time, I’ve never felt so helpless and needy.

I hate losing.

But I can’t fathom which one I hate more.

To lose in this kind of resistance and give myself a chance to win her. Or to lose her and have the win I badly want?

Which one will be worth it?

Is she worth it?

But what if this is just a phase? What if I’m just intimidated by her nonchalant behavior that it angers me how she would not adore me like the other girls?

As much as I hate her, I’d hate it more if I didn’t try.

If I can’t win her over by making her bow down on her knees, then I might just have to lose for a little while.

Lose in the first round by giving in to her.

But not really fall in love with her.

Just make her fall in love with me.

I’ll make her feel that she’s the most amazing creation in this world that will put the sky and nature to shame.

I’ll look at her just how every woman expects to be looked at.

And my most favorite of all, we’ll build memories, plans and promises.

That would be painful.

Then when everything’s all good, I’ll leave her just as planned.

And for a few days, I’m sure I’ll hear the news around how I broke that little girl’s poor heart that everyone saw her bowing down to her pain.

And when that time comes, I’ll be smirking while I watch her hurting.

In the end, it’s me who won.

It’s me who’s above.

It’s me proving myself wrong that this woman is possibly my match.

As twisted as it gets, I decided to love her then lose her to win back myself.