1. Be Flakey
Drunkenly find yourself forty-five minutes away with no ride home. Call me and I will, by all means, drive twenty-five miles over the speed limit, just to make sure you’re not waiting. When you wake up in the morning and remember you made plans to buy me ‘thank you’ coffee, make sure to cancel five minutes beforehand. Oh, and don’t leave me with a reason; I’ll shell out excuses for you while out to brunch with my friends.
2. Be Hung Up On Your Ex-Girlfriend
You don’t have to do it out loudly. It’s so much more hurtful when you do it in your head. Like when you play the Bon Iver songs that remind you of her while we’re in bed together. I’ll pretend they’re just your favorites and there’s no connection; that I’m not some warm body acting as a temporary replacement. And when you tell me about your weekend, I’ll pretend our friends didn’t tell me about the casual sex you had with her in your bathroom one of the nights. I won’t hold it against you. Hey, she’s the love of your life and I’m just giving you comfort. Kiss me goodbye, but really try to make it seem that you care for me. Keep posting about how heart broken you are after I go – I’ll just listen to some songs that remind me of you.
3. Get “Weird”
Cut me out of your life with virtually no explanation. Contact me only while drunk to tell me how badly you wish you were dead. Keep me up after, ignore my calls, and worry me. Have me tossing and turning, figuring out ways to make it better for you. Text me in the morning apologizing for the things you don’t even remember saying. When I try and check up on you, blow me off. When I bend over backwards to try to make you happy, throw me a ‘thanks.’ Continue to do this until I’m about to break in half – tell me you “don’t know why I put up with you anymore.” I won’t tell you it’s because I care so whole-heartedly about you that if you really did leave my heart would break. Instead, I’ll give you the most round about answer as to not scare you off. Start pretending everything is fine again. I’ll do the same. Continue to repeat this four or five times.
4. Tell Me I Bring Too Much Stupidity Into Your Life
Blame me for finding all of the good in you and allowing myself to get attached to it. Hate me for caring and for doing everything in my power to try to keep you around. Find disgust in the love I gave and don’t understand how it could be physically possible for someone who was deprived of a labeled relationship to somehow ‘catch feelings.’ Cut me off. Leave me, finally snapped in half, exhausted from expending all of my happiness in order to please you. Show me I was never good enough.
5. Become The Fuel I Use To Better Myself
Do all the things you swore you would never do. Leave me to turn the hurt into hate. Remind me of all the reasons why I never truly needed you or your bullshit around me. Be a constant reminder to give only to those who, not only appreciate, but also reciprocate. Live your life so that I can see I was more than great for you. You will just never be good enough for me.