Gays, arm yourselves. We’re under assault yet again! I KNOW — it’s just another case of the crappy majority culture stealing the cool stuff from a minority. This time it’s the bachelorettes robbing our superior gay culture of the last shreds of its uniqueness. Now it’s time to retaliate.
The bachelorettes are appropriating our glamor, fabulosity, and arch ironic sensibilities in an attempt to throw better parties to celebrate their milquetoast heterosexuality. Listen ladies, no one’s buying it. Quit with the feisty-ness and party-fiendishness, alright? That’s our turf. Why not have a nice bachelorette party where the bride-to-be is given loads of not-that-sexy lingerie and then everyone plays Boggle instead of participating in this gross appropriation? Quit stealing the glittered-smeared dildos right out of our nightstands!
Here’s what’s under threat of bachelorette pilfering:
1. penis-shaped straws
2. catty banter mixed with vodka, nostalgia, and tears
3. making a hot mess of yourself on the dance floor but not giving a hoot
4. fun parlor games featuring unpleasantly lewd jokes
5. penis paraphernalia in general
6. ironic gift-giving in general
7. the moment when your witty yet naughty aunt issues a series of sassy bon mots about the waitress’s too perky cleavage and the bartender’s super cute tush
8. “cock” in general
9. floozy drinks and other neon-colored beverages
10. Buying Nana a lap dance from hunky boy toy Cameron and Nana loving it
11. dildo-related gifts in general (un-ironically given)
12. telling strangers they’re un-hott bitches and that your prince is waiting for you at home
13. wearing tiaras in public
14. hosting parties that have a Disney Princesses / cocks theme
This is our gay stuff! These are our antics, our good times, our tactics to freak out the normal lame robots who abound on every street corner and in every bar! OURS! Not yours!
Dildos, frou frou cocktails, and naughty aunts have long been the natural habitat of cosmopolitan homosexuals and now—now that gay is in—we’re being asked to share our culture with some chubby tiara-wearing lass and her tassel of bridesmaids, all of whom will soon be forced to wear unflattering, matching dresses? Well hell no.
Straight chicks are great, agreed. There’s no demographic I’d rather have brunch with, but sometimes we need to think about our own. Long-term, as gay marriage becomes legal and this rancid discrimination ends, once — fantastically — the hateful barriers are gone, we risk being effaced, finally getting appropriated away into the bland majority culture where nothing has zazzle or shimmy. And there is no zest.
But we’re reasonable gays, we’re willing to make a deal. We know a lot of this is just deliciously silly fun. So ladies, you can keep the penis straws, wearing of tiaras in public, and making hot messes of yourselves on the dance floor, if we can keep the fun parlor games, dildo gift-giving in general, and witty yet naught aunts who shall fill us with cackling laughter. We’ll rotate who gets control of related penis paraphernalia and we’ll both chip in to get Nana that lap dance she’s always wanted.