My Application Letter To Replace Justice Kennedy On The Supreme Court

Claire Anderson / Unsplash

Dear President Trump,

You may have heard that Justice Kennedy is rumored to be leaving the Supreme Court this Summer. Given that this has now been reported on FOX news, I know it to be true. Please see below for my application to the Supreme Court.

I have extensive experience with legal issues, being a frequent watcher of Law & Order. I also once mistakenly recorded an episode of Judge Judy, but watched it in full.

I am very interested in the Masterpiece Cakeshop case where a gay couple was denied a wedding cake. I have always enjoyed cakes, but think wedding cakes can be hit or miss. To be candid, I prefer ice cream.

I also have a lot of opinions.

I have vivid dreams, which makes me an ideal candidate to opine on the Dreamers. My parents are renovating our house, so I also have experience with the erection of walls. I had my wisdom teeth extracted when I was younger, so I basically have a background in healthcare.

I have been told that I am an active listener.

I am a member of the NRA, also known as the National Restaurant Association. Because diversity is important to me, I try to consume foods from different countries. However, I do not like spicy food. My dislike of spicy food is not discriminatory, it just hurts my tongue.

I am partial to wearing black roomy garments. They are both slimming and comfortable.

If appointed, I would use my power for good. One of my priorities is to force Hulu to release the new season of the Handmaid’s Tale immediately. (What do you think happens to Elizabeth Moss?) I also would require the Hollywood Foreign Press to amend its decision and give Saoirse Ronan the Best Actress award for Ladybird. (I have a soft spot for coming of age stories.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I have made political donations. In the past, I have donated to a foundation aimed at rehabilitating Taylor Swift’s reputation. Although not strictly considered a political figure, we both know she controls the world with Oprah.

I watch The Voice, so I am familiar with the voting process. I would encourage the Supreme Court to adopt the shows turning chair voting format for dramatic effect.

I pride myself on being neutral. My friends sometimes even call me “Switzerland” and not just because of my love of chocolate!

I do my best to avoid exposure to both domestic and foreign news, which makes me a clean slate.

I plan on seeing the Ruth Bader Ginsburg documentary, which demonstrates my commitment to getting to know the other justices intimately. One day, I hope to have a documentary made about me.

My favorite color is green because it brings out my eyes.

If chosen, I have a few conditions:

1. I have a non-refundable ticket to Miami during the Summer. Justice Kennedy would have to work thru the last day of Summer;

2. I’d like to work from home on Fridays;

3. Hair and make-up; and

4. Bullet-proof everything.

I have attached my high school transcript. I wasn’t feeling well on the day of my English exam, so please ignore the result. I have not attached my college transcript because I did not finish college.

In conclusion, I am an ENFJ on the Myers Briggs test. The J stands for “Judging.” You can’t argue with that.

Yours Most Sincerely,

Alexander J. Gelski Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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