Excuses And Holidays To Help You Avoid Your Job In 2013

The beginning of the new year is a fresh opportunity to create and recycle excuses and holidays to avoid work.


January 13: Anniversary of mother’s suicide. (Two days off).

February 15: Maimed in arrow accident. (Come in after 12 p.m. wearing eye patch).

February 17: After near-death experience, begin attending mid-week Russian Orthodox services and bible study classes. Hang icon in office. (No evening work on Wednesdays).

March 7: Death of favorite grandfather. Unexpected deathbed request that his ashes be scattered on Antarctica. (10 days off, +/- 2 weeks in case cruise ship gets trapped in ice).

March 30: Death of favorite grandfather’s second wife. (One day off).

March 31: Autopsy report confirming that grandfather and his wife died of highly contagious communicable disease. (One week off to make sure you are not incubating illness).

April 4: Begin dropping hints that your spouse/surrogate is pregnant. (Extended coffee break with HR representative).

May 11: Twin brother’s wedding in The Netherlands. What’s that? You’ve never heard me mention my twin? That’s because he lives in Amsterdam. (Two days off, plus no Blackberry access through the weekend).

June 1: Pick up nephew from boarding school in Vermont. (One day off).

July 18: Premier of spouse’s off-off-off-Broadway play. Subject matter too personal to invite co-workers to performance. (One day off).

July 19: Attend intensive day-long couple’s counseling. (One day off).

August 5: Scratched cornea. (Five days unable to look at computer screen but willing to attend team meetings).

September 17: Miraculously, your inclusion in the Bone Marrow Database has paid off. Attend pre-op session with doctor (1/2 day) and follow through with the procedure (One week off).

November 3: Vacation — it’s been a tough year. (Five days off).

December 5: Birth of child, named after late mother. (One month of parental leave until the start of the new year).

January 7: Russian Orthodox Christmas (One day off).

January 13: Anniversary of mother’s suicide. (Two days off). Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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