Anything I write or publish always stems from something in my heart finding the courage and strength to fight in words what I am unable to face or accept in real time. As if the “almost” stronger version of myself is giving the “almost” broken version of myself advice on how to overcome the suffering or heartache, how to put together all of the broken pieces.
Because I care. I care, maybe a little too much. I get attached, maybe a little too quickly. I give everything in my heart when I think it’s right because that’s what he deserves from me.
Ok, but is caring a bad thing? Is opening our heart and allowing ourselves to feel and give a bad thing?
No, it isn’t.
I am learning how to become fearless, tackling everything on my own and loving life that way. If someone tries to push me in a direction I don’t want to be pushed, psh, bye Felicia. I don’t waste my time on someone who makes me question my worth. I don’t waste my time on someone who makes me question myself as a human being. I don’t waste my time on someone who disrespects my emotions, honesty, and vulnerability.
Yet here I am, six months later, experiencing the feelings of guilt and heartache, speaking my truth so you can learn from my mistakes.
I’m sure more than one too many of us have gone through the “almost heartache” that comes from realizing our “almost relationship” will never be what we want it to be. It’s not his fault, nor is it our fault, but somehow we always manage to end the night blaming ourselves.
Because we know better than that, yet we accept comfort and affection. We know we’re better than that, yet we question ourselves, our actions, our emotions. We know we deserve much better than that, yet we question our worth, our vulnerability. We watch these rom coms and read these hopelessly romantic novels; we grow up into the person we know we’re meant to be, and have endured enough in this crazy life of plot twists and turns to know that enough is enough. Yet, a small piece of our mind continues to pull us in the complete opposite direction of our heart.
After saying no more to my first “almost relationship,” I’m telling you, it is not easy; in fact, it feels just as awful as a long-term break-up. Having so much fun together, being happy and infatuated with one another, experiencing emotions across the board from lust to seeing a potential for love.
But sometimes, that’s just not enough. Sometimes it’s not his fault, nor is it our fault, but sometimes we accept the love we think we deserve with the wrong person at the wrong time.
What I’ve come to realize over the last six months is that you should never have to stress about your “almost relationship.” If someone truly and genuinely wants to see you, they will make the time and effort to see you. You should never have to question your worth. If someone is truly and genuinely worth your love, they will reciprocate actions and emotions in a way in which you can wholeheartedly understand and confide in. You should never have to analyze his answers. If he tiptoes around your questions, then he’s too immature. You should never have to feel like you’re the only one fighting to make things work. You should never have to feel like you need to put your life on hold for him to make up his mind. You should never have to give excuse after excuse for his behavior. You should never have to feel like you’re settling for less than what you know you deserve.
At the end of the day, we know that what our gut intuition is telling us is usually 95% accurate. Because we know better than that. We know we deserve better than that. We watch these rom coms and read these hopelessly romantic novels; we grow into the person we aspire to be, and have endured enough in this crazy life of plot twists and turns to know when enough is enough. It takes two to tango; It takes two to agree, two to disagree. Two to support one another. Two to believe in one another. Two to challenge one another. Two to be happy together. Two to make an equal effort to make things work.
Closing one chapter and moving onto the next is never really as easy as it seems. But no matter what happens, we do what we do. We pick up the broken pieces and move on with our lives. We move forward. We stop discounting ourselves and our worth because we know that our great love story is out there somewhere, when we’re ready for it in God’s timing.
So, here’s to those who those who have endured the “almost relationship” and bounced back stronger. Here’s to those who need encouragement to manage their emotions in an “almost relationship.” Here’s to those who have discounted themselves for the “almost relationship.”
Here’s to no more discounts. Here’s to no more “almost relationships.”