1. Posting bare belly pictures during pregnancy
What knowledge of your pregnancy is gained from this poorly filtered photo of you lifting your shirt up, displaying your gushing muffin top and visible happy trail? I do not have x-ray vision, so I cannot see your baby. I’m sorry. 3 months, 6 months, “about to pop!”; I don’t want to see any of it. There is TLC for that shit. Get your unborn fetus off my news feed and take a trip to a maternity store to cover up that mountain of flesh ASAP.
2. Attempting to haggle the price on a menu
This is not a flea market. I did not make the price. I cannot invalidate the price of any object on the menu. It is not my fault, and I have no feeling of guilt over the prices on this menu. Why you ask? You, my friend, are the consumer, buying as frequently as you are complaining. And no matter how angry you are about this price it you do it anyways. So save us all some daylight and stop disagreeing with the inevitable.
3. Driving in the middle of lanes on the freeway
Why choose one lane when you can have them all right? WRONG. Pick a goddamn lane.
4. Losing track of a child in a densely populated area
Am I the only one who watches Lifetime? There are hundreds of movies centered around child abductors and kidnappers and all sorts of twisted fucked up stories. It is NOT ok to let your toddler wander around the third story of the mall. I was at sea world last weekend and an employee tuned her microphone over the intercom announcing how little Daniel was looking for his parents and he was a “little upset”. What worries me is that it wasn’t Daniel’s mommy and daddy in a panic sprinting frantically through the sting ray feeding table checking if their kid had been swallowed whole. Watch your kids or pay someone else to.
5. Bringing newborns to inappropriate places
There needs to be a serious law on this. I understand that some times you may have no other option because you cannot leave the baby at home unattended (unless of course you’re one of those listed above, in that case by all means continue). However there needs to be certain boundaries in which these freshly-cut-umbilical-cord babies belong. Examples being
Beaches: I have never seen any point to this because it’s just dangerous. Third degree burns? Sun poisoning? Sandy diaper? Take your pick, little baby. The world is your oyster.
Movie Theaters: I know how much you love Chennai Express, but your baby is not going to remember it. How much is a baby ticket anyways? And now your baby is crying and everyone is mad because you interrupted the “best part” and you’re just grilling them back in your own denial of the appropriateness of your new born attending the film.
Fancy Restaurants: If the menu doesn’t have a kids menu then I just don’t even think there needs to be a better explanation than that. There are limits people. Take you and your spawn and vamoose!
6. Cutting in line
Why. Why why why why why WHY do people try and get away with this? I almost freak out more than I did when I was younger about cutting, just because it is so absurd that anyone over the age of 40 would try and slither their way around me on an amusement park ride. I see you, I feel you, standing unnecessarily close to me, ready to make your move. Back away, creeper!
7. Picking of the nose
Just no. Not in public. Not in the park. Not on the train. Not in the grocery store deli line. Not anywhere near anyone at all. Ever.