Since the dawn of time, we’ve been inundated with information on smoking – how to quit, when to quit, how to have a few now and again but still totally quit, how to make falling off the wagon look less like you meekly returning to your addiction and more like you are the awesome Smoke Monster, how to smoke in a closet, how to justify smoke tendrils curling up from your mouth, etc. We also have more than enough information on teddy bears – where they came from, who makes them (Build-A-Bear), how they got their name (from Teddy Riley), and how to make the best use them pragmatically without any emotional attachment whatsoever. But the connection that has yet to be made is the relationship betwixt teddy bears and smoking. Until today.
It’s high time we pay this relationship homage. For years, scientists have been drawing Venn diagrams with a circle representing teddy bears on one side and another circle representing cigarettes way over on the other side. But they could never get the two to overlap. Now for the first time ever, the incredible relationship between these two disparate phenomena has been proven. Right here on Thought Catalog.
If you’re thinking of quitting smoking or buying a teddy bear but not sure if it’s the right move for you, you may just need more information before you take that first big leap. The list below are ways in which cigarettes are similar to and different from teddy bears, which is technically information related to smoking. ANY information on smoking could help you kick the habit for good and come to some surprising conclusions about yourself and your addictions (and teddy bears). Remember: keep an open mind. People will try to convince you that teddy bears have nothing to do with cigarettes. Don’t sink to their level and argue your point. Just forward them this piece and humbly say, “Huzzah, motherfucker!” Then treat yourself to a night in a reggae dancehall and do the Thunder Clap victory dance.
Warning: With regards to smoking cessation, results of reading this article may or may not vary or vary altogether, depending on a host of factors or one factor in particular, whichever comes first or last, based on your personal interpretation of inferences made overtly or covertly, explicitly or implicitly, or not made at all. Thank you.
10 Startling Similarities:
1. In the way inhaling nicotine makes you a little bit thrilled, hugging teddy bears releases serotonin into your brain. But both highs are shallow. Teddy bears are merely stuffed stereotypes of actual, live bears onto whom you project a love that is not returned, just like cigarettes. Enjoy!
2. You can buy teddy bears and cigarettes at the same place, drugstores, where you can also pick yourself up an inflatable hemorrhoid toilet seat. (Pssst. Pass it on.)
3. The age at which it stops being acceptable to carry around a teddy bear is roughly the same age when kids will peer pressure you into smoking (especially if your cleavage is long for your chronological age). This will also be the magical time in which you experience menarche, or the “blooming flower” of your sexuality, which you can immediately trade in for cold, hard cash.
4. People who smoke are judged just as harshly as those with huge teddy-bear collections in their bedrooms.
5. As with smoking and other habits, teddy bears can be passed down to your children and your children’s children for generations.
6. Teddy bears are gateway toys that can lead to other species of stuffed animals, which can lead to more specific stuffed things, like cuddly microbes and huggable STDs.
7. You can hide cigarettes inside teddy bears! Think of your furry teddy as your lifelong companion and your super favoritest airport drug mule.
8. There’s a bear named Smokey (whoa!), who puts out forest fires usually started by smokers (wow!).
9. Both cigarettes and teddy bears will turn into carbon if allowed to burn down completely.
10. In the 19th century, paleontologists discovered the fossilized remains of an ancient bee in amber. At the time, a couple of the scientists were smoking. (This was back when all scientists smoked, constantly contaminating their laboratory specimens with cigarette ash and getting nowhere.) It was also rumored that one paleontologist brought his lucky teddy bear.
10 Microscopic Differences
Although we’re playing up their similarities, we’ve also learned that not everything that holds true for teddy bears holds true for cigarettes. Yes, we were as shocked when we wrote this as you’ll be when you read this:
1. You don’t need a teddy bear right after a meal (but you might really want one anyway).
2. If you enjoy the company of teddy bears, nobody will bug you to quit them.
3. You can fall asleep with a teddy bear as long as it’s not lit.
4. Nobody uses a teddy bear and then tries to flush it down the toilet. Or stubs it out in the mashed potatoes right after dinner.
5. Teddy bears won’t damage your heart (but they will fill it with love!!!).
6. Teddy bears don’t come in packs of twenty to a box. BUT THEY SHOULD.
7. When you don’t want people to know you’re hugging a teddy bear, you don’t hide in the bathroom with one and crack open a window and then jump every time the vents make a noise.
8. There aren’t any movies where people sit around being suggestive, saying suggestive things, and holding tightly onto their favorite teddy bears, except this one:
Oh, and this one:
9. Teddy bears have fur, whereas cigarettes are generally bald, although you can buy them little sweater-sets on Etsy.
10. Inhaling from a teddy bear near the railroad tracks behind the abandoned Krispy Kreme when you should be in homeroom won’t get you in with the cool crowd. Or the nerds. Or the preps. But it will serve as fodder for your “dark poetry” phase.