1. You might not be THE ONE.
I have doubts that swell up like goosebumps about whether you are strong enough or interested enough in doing the work it takes to love the unique kind of person I am. You check off so many criteria boxes that should be at the top of the list in terms of what I’ve always thought makes up a good, decent man. However, no matter how put together your life is, how handsome, athletic and liked you are, it won’t be enough for me if you can’t love me with everything you’ve got, if you don’t think to yourself everyday how fucking blessed you are to be mine. And therefore why allow myself to be devoured by affection for you when we won’t be making that long haul together.
2. I’m afraid I won’t know when to quit you.
I love a challenge. I’ve always tried to undertake projects that are difficult because if they weren’t, everyone would do them, and in some fucked up way that always seemed to make me feel special. But being persistent and optimistic about relationships has left me with a dripping trail of years I won’t get back spent trying to make someone love me the way I need when they never will be able to. Will I jump from our descending plane of passion and insanity to save my own heart or will I inevitably, like I’ve done with all the men before you, go down with the ship, forever hopeful we will rescue each other?
3. I will no doubt disappoint you.
Maybe you’ll have this grand realization that you’re safe with me, and you’ll open up and so much softness and vulnerability will ooze out of you that I won’t ever have to think about option 1 or 2 on this list. I’ll feel loved wholly and consistently and I’ll think to myself everyday how fucking blessed I am to be yours. But I’m a faulted creature, impulsive and reckless at times and eventually I will do something that might change how you feel about me in a way I won’t be able to undo. And that might crush me. What if your eyes never look at my face the same way, what if I never see that half smile that beams ‘I love you, silly girl,’ again? How could I face myself?
4. You’ll no doubt disappoint me.
Because even though I see you as an extraordinary creature, you are of course still just human, with errors and limitations and shortcomings. And I will try not to see them. I will attempt to ignore that you’re moody, that you work too much, that you can be distant and complex and frustrating because I only want to know you as that initial interest, when you could do nothing but impress and captivate me and moving into the real stage where you’ll piss me off and be real might not be something I’m ready for.
5. GASP! You might actually be THE ONE.
And even though I’m romantic and tender and have admittedly spent much of my adulthood searching for you, the end game is the most frightening thing I can fathom. I thought the hard part would be sifting through the millions of hearts and finding a suitable match to my own ragged one. But the true feat comes after, is a daily climb to surmount the little challenges that appear daily, to lay the foundation of a life that will forever be intertwined with another person. And for someone who has felt empty without a hand to hold, I now feel stifled by the thought of never letting one go.