I am realizing things. Things that I should know already, I think. It comes in waves. Not the depression, not the revelation, just life in general. Life is, in and of itself, a roller coaster. We as human spend a lot of time trying to control it and manipulate it, but life is an independent one. She will do as she pleases, damned be your expectations. But that is good. It keeps an air of mystery to her. One can never anticipate what she will do or what she will throw at you.
We need that though. We need the unknown. We need the reminder that we are small in this great, big world. It keeps us humble. It keeps us yearning and guessing, engaging. It keeps us questioning.
Because who really has all the answers? It is true that the older you get, the more you understand how little you know. The more answers I find, the more answers I realize are still waiting to be found. The more complexity I unravel, the more I understand how much more lies beneath it.
But that is the point, isn’t it? The point of the human experience is to do to just that, right? Experience. It is not some competition to see who can figure out the puzzle first. It is not some game to be won or lost.
It is simply a life to be lived, a story to be told, and adventure to be had.
The smartest people know that. They gave up the rat race. They stopped seeing their fellow humans as opponents and started seeing them as companions. They stopped trying to avoid obstacles and started seeing them as opportunities; opportunities to grow, to stretch, to become a fuller and better version of themselves. They started experiencing life and enjoying her company. Instead of telling her what she should look like and how she should act, they allowed her to lead them through each day, embracing whatever they encountered together.
That’s the person I want to be.
Instead of trying to control life, I want her to be my companion; to show me the deep intricacies inside her. I want to know her and experience her fully. I want to reach the end of her tired and exhausted, but fulfilled. I want to have stories to tell and memories to recall. I want to lie my head down knowing that I embraced her. I want to close my eyes for the last time knowing that I experienced her for all that she was.
That would be a fitting end.