1. You won’t get pregnant.
I can say this with almost 100% guarantee. It is physically impossible to conceive a child without having adult relations. It has only happened once before in history, so you’re basically in the clear. It’s not that babies aren’t great, its just they aren’t great right now. I can barely take care of myself when I go out to the bar. In fact, I can barely take care of myself. Period. My life is in shambles and I don’t floss.
2.You don’t have to participate in people’s sex jokes that aren’t funny.
Or maybe they are funny. I don’t know. I DON’T GET THEM.
3. You don’t have to get a Pap Smear.
To be honest, I don’t know what a pap smear is. However, I’ve heard they’re awful and I believe everything people tell me. Personally, I just hate the word smear. It’s probably because I pronounce it “shmear”. Regardless, I don’t want someone all up in my vag (also part of the reason I’m a delicate virgin flower). What are you doing in there? What are you “shmearing”? Count me out.
You don’t have to go on birth control.
Birth control is literally the weirdest thing and I can’t seem to understand it. I take a pill everyday, and I defy the laws of reproduction? Cool. Okay. I can dig it. But WHAT?! I have to take it everyday at the same time? What if I can’t take it at that time? What if I am taking a nap? Then what? And I can control when my period comes? It’s so much easier to just wear my ugly underwear for the week leading up to when I think my period might come.
5. You can be positive that any deceased family members are supportive of your decision.
Sometimes I think about my grandmother and whether she’s looking down on me. I’m okay with her knowing that I did in fact finish the ice cream in the freezer and then lied about it to my mom. I’m okay with her knowing that I don’t take my vitamins everyday. I’m okay with her knowing that I didn’t shower after my run this morning and liberally sprayed body mist before class instead. In fact, I’m okay with her knowing that I’m really sort of a disgusting human when I’m by myself. But if she knew about me doing the no-pants-dance with another person, I don’t think I’d be her “bella di nonna” anymore.
6. You have more time for other things.
I take up new hobbies all the time. Binge-watching Netflix has changed my life. I hang out with friends as much as possible. I practice handstands in my rooms for hours. I scroll so far down on tumblr that I freeze my computer and have to shut it down. I am living the dream. I don’t have time to shave every square inch of my body and read Cosmo sex tips all day. Because that’s what people with sex lives do and that is a FACT.
7. You save money on undergarments.
I’ve bought a lot of bras underwear at Costco in my time. It’s not sexy but it’s functional. Nobody sees it anyways. Do you know what you can do with the thousands of dollars you save from not shopping at Victoria Secret? Drink yourself into oblivion at the bar on your next “Girls Night”. HEYOOOOO.
8. You don’t have to check your phone.
You can if you want, but nobody is texting you except your best friends and your mom anyways. Your best friends are probably sending you screenshots of stuff from tumblr or telling you how much they hate school/work/boys/skinny people. Your mom is probably sending a text along the lines of, “Call me! I need to know what u ate for dinner! I haven’t talked to u in 3 hours.” It can all wait until you overcome the laziness that has kept you in your bed for so long that you forgot how to walk and decide to get your phone in your purse.
9. You can indulge in that extra slice of pizza.
By extra slice of pizza I mean whole pizza. By whole pizza I mean the one with cheese infused into the crust and the combo with the drink and garlic bread. Really just let your hair down. You don’t have to worry about that post-grub bloat on your naked bod. Just throw on your big-comfy sweater for the 13th day in a row and insist to everyone that you’re wearing it because you’re “cold”.
10. You can make people think you’re very religious.
When someone asks you why you don’t want to have sex, just go right ahead and tell them that you’re a virgin. They will probably ask you if you’re waiting for marriage since apparently every virgin over the age of 17 is. Say yes because things might just work out that way.