I Was Molested And Date Raped, But I Refuse To Accept It

grendelkhan / flickr.com
grendelkhan / flickr.com

No one ever tells you how to deal with situations that are kind of nearly misses. I wasn’t forced or raped as people recognize rape. It was not violent or traumatic enough. I think for some, this will be a girl who is a drunk mess and is trying to justify how much of a slut she is. I was not raped, to my knowledge, as a kid, so it is not as dramatic. I was just touched and kissed. Many will say it’s not that big of a deal. Still, I sometimes can’t even handle being awake.

I was date rapped and I still talk to the guy who did it because I feel guilty. I was molested at 6 years old and still talk to men who treat me like shit because apparently, in my head, I deserve it.

When I was kid I was molested by a 20-something guy. This wasn’t just one time. It was constant and I had literally no idea what was happening. Sometimes, I can still feel his tongue inside my mouth and I just have to throw up. I was told I was so special, I had to be kept hidden. I was constantly reminded of my preciousness and importance but I couldn’t tell. To tell you the truth, up to this day, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I didn’t say anything and felt important. I felt important and still didn’t like to be touched. I still didn’t say it because it was someone I trusted.

Everyone, including my parents, keep telling me how much he loved me. So, at 6, I assumed being loved, being important, pretty, smart and all that shit he used to tell me, in some level meant to be hurt and hidden. Of course, “no one will ever love you” was always thrown into mix. That was constantly said to me because, apparently, no one would appreciate me the way he did. I was 6 and this idiot was about 25. I still, sometimes, have to throw up just because I feel his taste in my mouth. I have never cried because of this. I feel guilty, I feel I deserved it sometimes. I feel like keeping this secret made me an accomplice, not a victim. I refuse to be a victim, so I’ll throw up instead of crying.

A long time after this happened, at 20, I started being pursued by a guy. He is everything a girl would consider “unthreatening”. He is not big or handsome or violent. He was always over sensitive. The guy you usually use to feel better about yourself and stick in the friend zone forever. I will confess I liked the attention. He saw me as this perfect, beautiful girl. He would beg to date me. He was so willing to go through all the hoops I could imagine. He was no threat. So I got drunk, and then I got drugged but I have no way to prove it.

I woke up with no memory of it all. I was naked, in his bed. I had no idea what had happened. To this day, I don’t remember a thing. I felt so guilty. I refused to be a victim again. I had to have all the power. I couldn’t have possibly been victimized once again. I didn’t shed a tear. I went to my house and convinced myself I deserved it. I convinced myself I led him on and that I was just horny.

I kept talking to him, because no one breaks me. I even had sober sex with him. It was awful. I hated it. Not in the bad sex kind of way. I had to prove myself I had the power to sleep with him, not the other way around. I had to be stronger than that. I kept telling myself it was not that traumatic. I still talk to him because I will die before I ever accept I’ve been victimized twice. I will never ever cry because I will never accept I do not have control over my life. I will carry on with this guilt that has transformed into pride and an “I’m too good for you” attitude.

To tell you the truth, I feel like I deserved it. In some weird corner of my mind I am sure I begged for it. He said I begged for it.

When I hear people tell me “I just can’t control myself around you” or “I don’t know why you make me so horny” it always just reinforces that it’s my fault. Poor men, they can’t resist me. So it is my fault. So if I look pretty I don’t have any right to say no or stop, because I have a weird power over them. As long as I am not a victim, I guess that’s fine. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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