Everyone has this stage in his or her life, whether it’s at 16 years old or 26 years old. You are casually walking down the road and suddenly you look into the distance to see the most amazing boat out on the water. It looks like nothing you’ve ever seen before. You really want to see it up close and when you do, it’s gorgeous. It has character, it’s charming, it has its unique features but it looks like it could lead you into a storm. Once you board this boat, you soon realize it was not the boat with everything you ever wanted on it. Nope it was a douche canoe. This analogy perfectly describes a player, a douchebag or how the kids now a days call them, a fuckboi.
As guys sometimes say, “Bro, you’re pussy whipped” the same thing goes for girls, except I call it “Dick-notized”.
My definition for this is: Complete and utter clouding of judgment, due to being under the influence of a smooth talking male, with a penis.
It is very hard for a friend to see their friend under the influence of a dick, both literally and figuratively but it happens. As a friend, it’s your duty to help them through it. It won’t be easy but if you’re there for the start of it, it’ll be worth all the difficulty in the middle to see them come out of the other side with the dick-nosis gone.
Here are four helpful strategies to help you, help your friend get through this dick daze in their life:
1. Be patient and listen, even when your ears hurt.
You’re going to spend a lot of time hearing things such as “but he’s different when no ones around,” “you don’t know him,” “I like him,” & “this is what we do.” As much as you’ll want to yell, scream, and shake your friend, you sadly have to bite your tongue. Whether you have been through it or not, ‘dick-nosis’ is the real deal. It took me years to understand this but this lines stands true, ‘ You don’t get it, unless you’re in it.’ That girl whose boyfriend is a creep and is trying to booty call your best friend , she’s in it and so is your friend. Why either of them like this douche lord is beyond me, but if you’re not in it you won’t understand it. By no means, join in as the 4th member of this triangle from hell but don’t rip apart your friend.
Provide them with advice and logical information to explain why this situation is a disaster and likely won’t turn into anything positive, but don’t forget they’re essentially under a spell. They aren’t thinking straight, they aren’t acting like themselves and they very well may be keeping some secrets from you. This is likely not really them though. They are under that dick spell and the only thing you can do, is be a helping ear even if you feel like you’re about to lose your hearing.
2. Help their confidence by inflating their head.
You may have heard the saying “ inflating someone’s ego” but it holds true when moving through the motions of a dick-notized friend. Women should support each other on an everyday basis as should friends, but in the case of your friend you need to put in a little extra work. After a while of your friend riding out on this douche canoe, they begin to lose their sparkle. They tend to lose their confidence and question why this fuckboi treats them the way he does.
You may hear them say ‘Maybe I’m not pretty enough’, ‘I shouldn’t have texted him that many times’, ‘He probably thinks I’m crazy,’ I am crazy’, ‘If I was more ______ he would be into me’. A fuckboi has the ability to make your friend question who they are as a whole, but it’s your job to remind them of their great qualities and why this douchebag doesn’t deserve them. Maybe your friend is a bit crazy and maybe she shouldn’t have sent that text but who cares. We all do things, say things, and act differently when we’re around a crush but you shouldn’t doubt who you are.
When you have the chance, remind them of how beautiful they are inside and out, how much of a positive impact they’ve had on your life and will have on their future partners lives, how smart they are, remind them of their dreams and goals, remind them that they’re too big of a catch to be floating on a sinking ship. We all doubt ourselves sometimes, but try to keep your friend afloat by reminding them of the things they forget when under this dick-nosis. No one should feel inadequate because of someone who treats him or her poorly and a friend like you to remind them of how great they are, will mean a lot in the long run.
3. Don’t scold them but they’ll likely relapse.
This is one of the most frustrating things as a friend. I have been there, through plenty of losers my friends get googly eyed for but the hardest part is when they say they’re over it and they aren’t. I very much believe, you have to action things for them to be truly real. To say you’re over this ass doesn’t mean much unless you take action such as deleting him from Instagram: its not helping them to have this guy on there. Delete him from Snapchat: he shouldn’t be privately snapping you while he has a girlfriend and you shouldn’t answer back.
Get rid of his number: if you’re over it, you don’t need to see his phone number when you’re trying to scroll in your phone to call your mom and his name passes the screen because it starts with M. Sometimes, to say it’s over is part of the process for your friend to start to believe it. By saying it, they believe it, which they’ll soon take action on so you need to support them. Don’t take her “I’m over it , we’re done “ literally though. Sometimes people say they’re done and they are but more often then not, it’ll only take seeing this turd to bring back all those feelings your friends had. Before you know it, you’re Ubering home alone. It may take 1 or 10 times before your friend is ready and will actually end it for good.
Try not to get mad at them. As they continue to go back, you’re going to hope it is the last time. Whether it is or it isn’t, its not for you to decide but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to yell at them or call them an idiot. Yes, you may think they are being stupid but again, they’re under penis- hypnosis, and it can be hard to wake up form. Be a listening ear but don’t get too invested or you’ll want to poke a hole in this canoe and let your friend go under.
4. You do you, but I still love you.
At this point, you probably have bald spots from stressing out over this as much or more so then you’re friend. Let me tell you, you’re beyond a great friend and they will realize this when they come out of it. At times, you just want to give up but there’s a reason you became friends before she met this fuckboi and you will remember it after they drop this guy. I use the motto “ You do you” quite a bit in my life. As an adult, you can do what you want and this saying holds very true under a fuckboi situation.
Let your friend do them, they are going to do what they want regardless of what you say, so let them. This situation is going to drive you crazy if you let it. From the phone calls, to the texts, the tears, to potentially picking them up while they’re halfway through their walk of shame, you can’t not love them. They’re likely you’re best friend who has held your hair when you were puking or rubbed your back because you too were broken hearted.
As a friend, it is your duty to be there but its not your job to fix it for them. They’ll figure it out whether it turns out good or bad. For them to do them you need to let them make mistakes, shed some tears and at the end of the day, figure out on their own why this fuckboi is a fuckboi. You deleting this guys contact information won’t help them and neither will texting their girlfriend that they’re a cheating asshole. Help your friend as best as you can, but you can’t fix this, only they can and they will.
Don’t hesitate to give this fuckboi the eye though, the “ I know you’re an asshole, and you know I know so beware fuckboi” stare. Once your friend comes to the realization you had the minute they told you about this turd, you will be there to help pull them out of the water and watch that douchecanoe sink and float away to a garbage dump. Once the fuckboi is gone, its time to celebrate for a job well done.