How To Let Something Small Ruin Your Day

See that to the right?

I found it on my windshield this morning.

If it’s too small for you to make out, allow me transcribe:

“THANKS FOR PARKING SO CLOSE… NEXT TIME LEAVE A F***ING CAN OPENER SO I CAN GET MY CAR OUT… A**HOLES LIKE YOU SHOULD TAKE THE BUS”

That’s all. No salutation, no complimentary close or signature. The most affable part of the note is a sketch of Mickey Mouse flipping me the bird.

I know who left it too. After all, we have assigned parking spots at my apartment complex. And my car was admittedly parked a little close to a neighboring white pickup.

See?

I was in the wrong here. I admit it. But calling me an “a-hole?“ That’s a bit excessive, no? (Those who were offended by my FB Moms/Hippies articles need not respond.) Especially considering that we’re more than likely going to run into each other sooner or later.

What happens then? Am I supposed to confront this person – say thanks for the note in some antagonistic tone? Do I pretend I have a daughter – act like she found the note and was horrified by Mickey’s vulgar hand gesture?

The “America is #1” plate on the front of the truck definitely has me worried about one thing – that the note was left by a veteran. I don’t believe in picking fights with soldiers, mostly out of respect (but also because I am naturally afraid of anyone who is trained to kill).

Another concern: that this individual may in fact be a redneck. It’s a well-documented fact that rednecks don’t quit (see Deliverance, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn and the forthcoming Straw Dogs). The next thing you know, “Dueling Banjos” is echoing off the garage walls as I discover my tires have been slashed.

No, that’s no good.

Still, I feel like I should say something. Fact is, they implied that I should take the bus. THE BUS. Ridiculous. Buses are for people who’ve given up on their dreams. And I have not given up on my dreams, good sir… Or madam, I suppose.

Shoot, what if it’s a woman? Picking fights with ladies is frowned-upon. Particularly if it boils over into physical conflict. I could end up embarrassed… incarcerated… perhaps both. And as I mentioned above, I have no desire to be complimented on my “purty mouth,” you know what I’m sayin’?

This will not end well. TC mark

image – Brad K.

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  • Guest

    Buses are for people who’ve given up their dreams?

    Seriously?

    Jeez.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      This only applies humorously outside of major metropolitan areas, I think.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1437092241 Andrew Hilbert

    You truthfully did not park close enough to warrant that note. Some dude in a big blue Dodge Ram always parks in practically two spaces and the last time he did it I couldn’t even get into my car. Those kinds of parking jobs warrant a note like that. Yours crossed the first white line, not the second. That’s totally cool in parking world. 

    • Guestropod

      Do you think this person like has a bunch of those in his/her car just for these occasions?  What a choad.  

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1437092241 Andrew Hilbert

        Believe it or not, a friend’s dad had that exact note in business card form (Mickey Mouse and all). He had a ton of them in his glove compartment. These people exist. 

      • Guestropod

        that is so dark

  • vintg

    park better

  • Guest2

    Busses are for people who have given up on their dreams?

    What an asshole.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kittykitty.meooow Donna-Lee Grant

      i know right? busses are for people who dont feel like paying a shitload for gas, car insurance, car payments, etc. also, its much more environmentally friendly…idk you seem kinda lame. maybe you deserve that note, ya betch! hahaha

      • Phil Major

        Holy hell people. Relax, it was obviously a joke. A funny joke, if you can take a step back and get over yourself.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      *asshat

  • Kat

    Buses are for people who don’t want to deal with parking, parking tickets, asshats who leave notes on cars, or (ahem) people who let something as silly as this ruin their whole day.

    Seriously? The fact that it’s printed indicates that the trucker probably keeps sheaves of these in their glove compartment for just such a situation. You win, lousy parker. Your life is bigger than the truckers.

    Blissfully not paying for gas,
    Kat

    P.S. Think about all of us on the bus the next time you’re stuck in parking lot traffic. Or the next time you get pulled over. Kisses!

  • teets

    Next time, leave him a can opener. Win/win.

  • Ana

    Next time you see the truck owner, you should just hand him a can opener and smile.  No need to say anything…

  • http://mannaarie.tumblr.com/ Manna Arie

    You could use a little more spinal cord. Unless you are as old as my mother and are done taking shit from any and all people, then I say go ahead and torch the truck. Whatever.

  • Bekah

    1st-the bus = being green (some of us have dreams for a healthy planet). 2nd – don’t be a douche bag and park right!  I will totally leave that note on your (anyone’s) windshield and HOPE you confront me about it…you will end up with slashed tires! ASSHOLE!

    • Guestropod

      have you ever considered xanax

  • Rob

    Parking properly is not hard.  Seriously, taking 30 seconds to make sure you’re centered makes someone else’s day just slightly less miserable.  The person who parks on my driver’s side is like that.  She’s got the last spot in the row … 10 feet or so of empty space to the left of her vehicle.  But she parks as far right in the spot as she can.  Still between the lines, mind you, but close enough that I have to be particularly conscious of how far I open the little door on the crappy sedan I drive (which has nearly made me give up on my dreams more times than the bus ever will).

    But yeah, you should totally leave a can opener on the hood of his truck.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    i don’t agree with their behavior, but don’t let it get to you.

  • Idrina

    People defending the bus are assuming that the city in question has a passable public transit system.  Not all bus lines are created equal.  The one in my hometown was primarily for hobos and section-8ers.

    Regardless, everyone -thinks- about dropping notes like this, but it takes someone with probable rage issues to actually take the time and effort to go through with it.  It’s almost impressive.

    I recommend keeping a stock of can-opener images printed on sticky notes on hand, just in case you need to return the favour in the future.

  • ell

    Definitely on the truckers side on this one. Park better next time.

    Also, where do you live to say “buses are for people who’ve given up on their dreams”?  You’re goign to lose readers with comments like that. Douche…

    • ELL

      going*

  • Guest2

    Whether the author’s city has a decent bus system is irreverent. People are not annoyed because he doesn’t take the bus but that his opinion of it is so condescending.

  • http://twitter.com/AlexMoschina Alex Moschina

    Gang –

    I understand the appeal of public transit. I like buses. I also bring cloth
    bags to the grocery store and have been known to ride my bike to work.

    It was a poor attempt at humor. Tongue-in-cheek, you know?

    Anyhow, I’m shocked that no one stood
    up to defend rednecks, many of whom are good God-fearing people who resist the urge to sodomize
    Northerners every day.

    • Guestropod

      WHY DO YOU HATE THE EARTH ALEX MOSCHINA :( :( :(

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Jeez.  After looking at your photo, I’m resisting the urge to sodomize you myself…and I was born and raised a Northerner. 

    • Phil Major

      The bus comment was gold. Yeah, it will offend someone. But it’s still funny as hell. All kinds of funny stuff offends some people. Chill out people.

  • well, shit

    your fucking bus comment ruined my day, fucker.

    • Guestropod

      Relax don’t do itWhen you want to go to itRelax don’t do itWhen you want to come

  • dj khaled

    man everyone who writes for this site is such a fragile lil butterfly

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      didn’t realize you were muhammad ali 

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    There’s only one thing you can do, Alex.  Burn his house down. 

  • Lebron

    people are really offended by some offhand comment some kid made about a bus in an article where said kid talks about how offended he was by some passive aggressive insult on his windshield

    maybe it’s time to reinstate the draft

  • http://profiles.google.com/ecnadac11 Constant Writer

    I would frame that picture and make it conversation centerpiece. Put the photo of how close your car was underneath it. Because you know what, that truck has doors on BOTH SIDES OF IT. They could’ve climbed out the driver door if they were too close on the other side.
    Granted you did park a little close, but I’ve seen worse. Your park job I do not believe was so horrible as to compel someone to leave a note with a cute cartoon character flipping you off. Unless that person is also an asshole. Which may well be the case.

  • Ethan

    I say go the passive aggressive route and park as close to the truck as physically possible. Then leave a note on your own windshield that says “Keep your filthy hands off my car, dirtbag.”

  • David Moon

    Chances are: the type of person who carries around a note like that waiting for someone to park too close is probably an asshole. I used my extreme powers of deductions on that one. However, I would much prefer a note like that to the white key scratch going down the length of my car, which I apparently deserved for parking too close to someone.

    Also, what some people don’t realize is that other people can park badly, thus causing you to park badly. But then that other person leaves earlier than you and you’re stuck looking like the douche bag who can’t park. Everyone just take a breath in and out and give people the benefit of the doubt. Your blood pressure will thank you. And so will my paint job.

    • douchegirl

      Your second paragraph was the exact premise of a recent Curb your Enthusiasm episode. It was pretty, pretty, pretty good. 

  • http://twitter.com/RyaninAustralia Ryan Culliver

    It doesn’t matter who left that note! You need to camp out in front of that parking spot & get ready to start some shit. Man, woman, pregnant, disabled, the first rule of fight club is don’t leave notes on my fucking car!

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

       Haahahaha!

    • douchegirl

      BEST COMMENT. 

    • douchegirl

      BEST COMMENT. 

  • Anonymous

    I was enjoying this for most of the article, and now I have to join the chorus of commenters in saying that you completely lost me on the “buses are for [people with low paying jobs]” comment. I was kinda-sorta vaguely offended ideologically as a public transportation nut but it really just struck me as lazy/out of left field. It also wasn’t funny. Basically I had the same reaction to it that I would have to most Carlos Mencia material.

    • Boyz 2 men

      man people here really put stake in their identity as a person who sits down on a bus sometimes

  • http://eccentricerrant.wordpress.com/ Alexandrea

    Seriously, if you don’t know how to park the right way, don’t fucking drive. Don’t put other people in an inconvenient spot because of your lack of consideration or lack of knowledge.

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