My Neighbor, The Drug Dealer

Hey, Nico! How’s it going?

You don’t remember me? We actually met like six months ago – you dropped by our apartment around 10 o’clock at night and asked to use my phone… Not ringing a bell? No, that’s totally cool. You looked pretty, uh, tired.

Hey, my name is Alex and, well, I hate to be that guy, but I was wondering if you could maybe try and keep it down?

Not that you were being crazy loud or anything. It’s just that my parents are in town for the week and they’re a little alarmed by some of the noise you and your, um, associates have been making in the parking lot.

What do I mean? Hmm. Well, taking last night as a ‘for instance,’ there was an awful lot of shouting going on.

Oh, I don’t really remember the particulars… I think I heard someone say “You flipping agreed to that price” and someone else said “Flip you, you’re a flipping liar, you know I didn’t say that, um, stuff.” And then someone broke some glass…

Hey, I don’t know what was going on – really, it’s not my business – but my parents are under the impression that you might possibly be, like, a drug dealer or something of that ilk. Ridiculous right? I know, but… Are you?

Wait, wait. Sorry, forget that. NOT my business.

And hey, a little noise doesn’t even bother me. In fact, back in college, me and my roommates got tons of citations for being rowdy. Heh. Just guys being guys, you know what I mean? We called our dorm room “The Cock Pit.”

Gay? No – hah! – my fiancée’s inside, Nico…

Look, I think we’re getting de-railed here. My point is, maybe after 8 PM, you could conduct business inside your apartment? What do I mean by “business?” Oh… oh geez, not what you think I meant. I just think it might be more comfortable for everyone involved if you—

Cops? Oh, no way! Someone called the cops on you guys? Well it wasn’t me… Although now that you mention it, I did see some lights. But you know, me and my fiancée were already in bed so… What? Yeah, I guess I’d describe her as a skinny brunette…

You’ve seen her at the pool? Yeah, she’s real pretty… Guess that’s part of why I put a ring on it, haha.

Anyway, I’d just really appreciate it if… What? Oh, uh, her name’s Rebecca… Yeah, she’s inside, but… Okay, well I think we’re getting away from the point. I’d just really appreciate it if you guys kept the noise down. Cool, bro?

Oh God. Did I just say bro? Man, I never say bro. Do you? Stupid question.

Sooo, we good? Nice dog, by the way. What is he? An American pit bull? Is he friendly? Oh. Okay, I’ll keep that in mind next time I see him on your steps. We’re more cat people, ourselves. Though cats can be pretty mean too. Our Persian is real feisty. Check out this scratch on my arm… Brutal, right?

Whelp, it was good talking to you, Nico. Looks like you’ve got some people in there to entertain – hey guys! – and, you know, Cake Boss is starting. So…

What’s that? Oh. Uh, yes. Yes, I can fuck off. Sorry to have disturbed you. TC mark

image – Beverly and Pack

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  • ugh city usa

    this was lame, uninteresting, and poorly written. ugh TC, ugh.

  • guest

    well i thougt it was interesting…and well written. ahh america the place were we are all entitled to our own beliefs.

    • A.

      ‘murica

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    I just moved in next to this drug dealer I think…hah

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    You’re going about this ALL WRONG. You gotta make friends with the drug dealer and then get free drugs and do threaten to call the cops when he/she doesn’t comply! You can do that when you’re friends with them and not be a little bitch about it

    • Ika

      Who is more of a little bitch seems pretty clear to me.

  • Mr Shankly

    Nico, cousin. Let’s go bowling!

  • winning

    AMAZING article btw.

    And to add, great job stereotyping pit bulls. “My Neighbor, The Drug Dealer” with a picture of a pit. 

  • Maxwell Smart

    My neighbor’s dog that looks just like this. What a sweetheart he is! I thought his owner was a drug dealer because he’s always home to walk his dog every 2 hrs, but it turns out he’s just a pizza guy.

    • MLO

      cool story bro

  • http://www.guidetomenhattan.com Rachel

    In college a neighbor across the alley was a drug dealer. And was murdered. So maybe it’ll quiet down eventually? 

  • Lola

    hilarious :)

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