Thought Catalog

A Plea To Facebook Moms

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Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were sneaking tugs from a pint of Captain Morgan’s behind the shed at Rob’s graduation party.

Remember that? It was back before Dave and Caroline left to work on that organic mushroom farm in Portland.

And before Sue moved out to New York and scored a part in that off-Broadway production of Dr. T & the Women. I think she’s in L.A. now. Have you spoken to her lately?

Oh, that’s right. You’ve been busy. How is the little… guy? Girl? Great, great.

Well listen, that’s actually why I wanted to talk to you. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I guess I’ll just blurt it out: I think you should get off Facebook.

Why? There are plenty of reasons really – not the least of which is the extreme close-up of a veiny bulging stomach that you’ve set as your profile pic – but really it comes down to status updates.

See, every single one of yours is awful, for at least one of these four reasons.

1) It’s about what’s-its-name waking you up

(Ex. “guess brucey’s decided I’m not gettin any sleep 2nite… it’s a good thing he’s so cute lol”)

Look, babies wake up in the middle of the night. That’s basically what they’re famous for. Just give it a bottle, shake it around a bit (I’m not positive on that second part) and it will eventually go back to sleep. And if the issue here is that you’re now wide awake, then perhaps you should find something constructive to do with your time; read a book… poke holes in your husband’s prophylactics… I honestly don’t know what amuses you breeders. Just please fight the urge to clog my Facebook newsfeed.

2) It’s an itinerary

(Ex. “takin brucey to the park, gettin lunch with gram-gram then going to the store for you guessed it, DIAPERS… home at 4 for spongebob lol”)

My issue with this one is simple: I don’t care. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not particularly interested in what most of my Facebook friends have going on – but the fact that you’ve got a kid in the mix means that no matter what you’re doing, it’s the G-rated version. And therefore it’s even less interesting. Going to the movies? No doubt a matinee showing of Rio. Going to a concert? That’s exci– Oh, you’re seeing The Doodlebops? I see…

3) It’s about how you can’t stand to be away from the kid, even for a few hours

(Ex. “hubby’s takin me out for our anniversary! miss brucey already tho”)

We all know that the poor schmoe who impregnated you will spend the evening pounding beers while you regale him with stories about the little “peanut” (or whatever annoying pet name you’ve given it). Maybe it rolled over on its own. Maybe it farted while you were in line at Kroger. Whatever the case, this is your baby daddy’s cross to bear. Not mine.

4) It’s a re-post glorifying moms as the hardest workers on the planet

(Ex. “I work 24 hours a day and never get a weekend off… but its totally worth it ;) re post if your a proud mommy!”)

I won’t poo-poo the fact that being a mom is tough. I’m sure your days are spent longing for less demanding work – like pouring asphalt or digging graves – yet still you soldier on. That’s very noble. But if you truly believe in your “work,” then why the incessant cries for validation? Is it boredom? If so, I’m sure your husband’s prophylactics could use another round of puncturing… Perhaps you could go through old pictures and Lollapalooza ticket stubs and issues of the college paper you used to edit.

These items may remind you of a better time… a time when you had interesting things to say… a time when you were more than just Brucey’s mommy. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

A Plea To Facebook Moms is cataloged in
  • AliceW

    Friends are going to start getting their feeds deleted if this phenomenon keeps going.  Especially the one who posts page missives on her daily day. you decided to have two kids….accept you’re not going to sleep. get over it.

    • Kris

      Does anyone really care if their feed is deleted?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    “This is a Facebook comment! Testing, testing!”

  • SippyCup

    20something women on TC please remember this when you have a kid.

    • Brandon h

      Too late, they already do it. the 20 something moms are the worst offenders.

      • Anonymous

        And also the most depressing. Ugh. 

  • guest

    weird, i was just reading an ontd post on facebook, and a lot of comments there were about how annoying facebook moms are

  • Andrew

    God DAMN this was amazing. Like a breath of fresh air. “Not my cross to bear” had me laughing. Well done.

  • http://kaitembird.wordpress.com/ Kait Mauro

    LOL word. The moment I start seeing sonogram photos on my newsfeed on a routine basis: “hide all posts by soandso.” 

    • Jessijon

      generally people only get 1 or 2 sonogram pictures per pregnancy. 

      • RC

        lol oh JESSIJON lemme guess you are now a pregnancy expert… i also have many people like you on my newsfeed…

  • http://www.facebook.com/anne.continelli Anne Continelli

    This. THIS. Is the best thing I’ve read all day.

  • your cousin

    “Look who decided to pass out in the middle of the kitchen floor!”

    Who? WHO??!! Oh… oh, it’s your kid again.

  • Phil Major

    “Breeders” haha.

    • Anonymous

      I also veto “my mom” on the Fb.

  • KS

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  this topic is so played out.  get an original angle.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6TGSOKRKPF5KDGYKYSUXDFXQLU c

    If you don’t like reading it, ignore it. You don’t even have to have it on your wall. It’s not just new moms that do this, grandma’s do, too. And…guess what, we aren’t going to stop.

    • your cousin

      Is that a threat?

      • Kris

        The delete/unfriend/block button = The reason this article never needed to see the light of day.

      • Mew

        Sure it did.  I shouldn’t have to be subjected to a child covered in shit or vomit before I have the chance to reach the “block” button.  That shouldn’t ever be posted, ever, under any circumstances.  Nobody with a brain wants to see shit or vomit.

      • Jessijon

        again… Who are these people who post pictures of their kid covered in shit or vomit? Surely these moms must have shown some similarly distasteful status update prior to “breeding”. I really don’t think you have ever seen someone’s kids shit on facebook and you are using it as an extreme example to justify your absurd anger. 

    • your cousin

      Is that a threat?

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      I know you aren’t going to stop.  That’s what the delete button is for.  

  • http://twitter.com/raindncemaggie Me, myself, and I

    I am SO GLAD to see someone write this. I’ve actually deleted two friends I’ve had for fifteen years because they have kids and have now become “mombies” who have forgotten that they were PEOPLE before they had semen demons.

    And to “C,” no one said you had to stop. Just don’t be surprised if you start getting deleted for “no reason.”

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      semen demons, HAH!

      • Guest@babiesareindulgence.com

        Apparently no one’s heard the term ‘fuck trophy’.

    • Anonymous

      SEMEN DEMONS!

      Holy hell, that is the best term for babies I have ever heard.

  • LW

    Well C,  we certainly do block the feed. I think this post is just an FYI to any offenders who actually still care about someone besides themselves, their child, and any friend/family members willing to  talk about nothing but the kid.

  • Maryjanemanolos

    If people the internet wide hadn’t already been bitching about this since the inception of the status update, this might be funny. Instead, it’s just played out and judgmental. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1620535967 Elaine Walkden

    That’s why I love the block from newsfeed option.  I’ve been on Facebook a couple of years, and I noticed that if you unfriended a person because they annoyed you, they just sent you another friend request. 

    There’s no way for them to know you have blocked them.  It’s great.

    To be fair, I block all ‘one interest wonders’.  If they only ever post about the boring times with their kids, if they ever only post political carp,  if they only ever post about the extreme drama in their lives..(and if they fight with the spouse/significant other on Facebook)….I have ’em hidden and never have to read all about it.

  • EM

    You Guys:
    EVERYONE DOES THIS
    Not just new moms or old moms or grandmothers.
    If you’re on Facebook advertising your life, do not be annoyed when others do the same.

    • Brandon h

      Yes yes, but the moms are incessant. And no one needs a constant reminder in their feed that thier biological clock is ticking. 

      • Kris

        And the people who complain about having to get up for work everyday aren’t? Maybe unemployed people don’t need a constant reminder that they don’t have a job…

        Facebook is a place to post whatever you want… and…gasp! Anyone can choose to read or not to read what you post. I have no sympathy for people who don’t want to read my statuses- they can just block me or not be my friend! No big deal.

      • Mew

        I destroyed my biological clock as a teenager.  It will never bother me as an adult and I can live happily, never having to be the jungle gym for some kid who hasn’t yet learned about boundaries and personal space.  ^_^

      • Jessijon

        oh so this is the real issue. the truth comes out………

  • http://flipsideofamemory.tumblr.com flipside of a memory

    I guess it has to do with the personality of the person? I too find them annoying and just hide them, but the thing is I also know mums on facebook who aren’t like this.

    • Anonymous

      All the moms I know on FB aren’t like this. It’s not a mom thing so much as a stupid people thing.

      • RC

        thank goodness for those moms, but i def have a few moms that drive me to read these types of articals.

  • Lillian

    story of my life. why is every girl i went to high school with a mother, if not pregnant for the second time?

  • Loserello

    “it”  ha!

  • Marianna Salvalaio

    If you are so annoyed on fb, you should delete these persons from your real life; because if all they do is posting about kids, guess what they’d do when you meet them…and if they aren’t friends anyway, you can block them. Unless that fb counter with a couple of people less disturbs you even more.

    • Mew

      Hard to do when it’s family.  I’ve had to hide the updates of a cousin, not because of her kid but because she herself is extremely childish and immature, but blocking her all together doesn’t seem like the best idea.  I do still have to see her at family gatherings.

  • nolabetty

    Anyone with a baby as thier profile picture gets the block

    • RC

      oh man, im waiting for one of those someecards.com to come out with something that references the baby profile pics…

  • Anonymous

    I have a kid and the last thing I do is run to Facebook and post status and status about her. I have better things to do with my time.

    Some women are just extremely obnoxious.

  • Christinan06

    If I have to read my facebook “friends” narrating how slutty their Friday Night was and how “OMG like I can’t believe Krista puked last night,” they shouldn’t be offended to hear that someone’s son vomitted in the middle of the night. If anything, the latter are less annoying considering both parties are pushing 30. Is it more pathetic to post that you are drinking so much you vomit or that your kid did the same after too much formula, you be the judge.

    • Brandon h

      They are both equally awful.

    • Facebook generally blows

      Uh, feeling a little defensive there, Facebook mom?

      • Christinan06

        Actually, I’m not a facebook mom. Or a mom for that matter. I just find oversharing more annoying when its in regards to one’s self as opposed to one’s child.

      • Facebook generally blows

        The thing is, in no way whatsoever did the author say that status updates about getting wasted and puking are more acceptable than daily updates about how the person’s child “is the cutest thing in the world!” or “wow, for being so small, babies make a lot of poop! It looks like chocolate pudding, but it sure doesn’t smell like it. LOL” The author is simply saying, look, we get it, you love your kid, but please, pretty please, stop broadcasting every little thing he/she does. When FB “friends” of mine do this, their posts are quickly hidden from my feed.  As for posts about getting wasted, I’m fortunate to not have posts on my feed about being hungover and sitting at the toilet all day, as I’m 36 and pretty much everyone I know doesn’t do that sort of thing anymore. But, if post like that do start showing up on my feed, then *click*, that person’s posts get hidden too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Methofelis Nicole La Rrett

    And this is why I don’t post about my kids. Nobody cares. Even my KIDS don’t care. So they act like little drunks, stumbling around being assholes. That’s for my amusement, not everyone’s boredom. 

  • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

    http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ 
    you will love B.’s website if you love this post…they were meant to be together. 

    • Stefan

      ^ this website forever and ever amen. also, since I’m an avid reader of it, I actually didn’t read this article and instead went looking to see if someone had already posted a link in the comments. so good on you!

      (P.S. this article is probably okay and all, but really, STFUparents is really all I need.)

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