A Plea To Facebook Hippies

Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were sneaking tugs from a pint of Captain Morgan’s behind the shed at Rob’s graduation party.

Remember that? It was back before Sue moved out to New York and scored a part in that off-Broadway production of Dr. T & the Women.

And before Julia married her T.A. and had little Brucey. I spoke with her last week actually.

She’s good, she’s good. Though she’s not very happy with me right now…

Anyway, listen; I have something I’d like to talk to you about. There’s no easy way to say this, but… well here it is: I think you should get rid of your Facebook.

Why? There are plenty of reasons really – not the least of which is how annoyingly at-peace you seem lying in the grass in your profile pic – but really it’s a number of things.

For instance…

The lack of any real information in your Info section

(Ex. No work. No school. Just “Lives in Portland, OR. Likes The Avett Brothers.”)

You have to understand; Facebook is my only window into what you’ve been doing for the past seven or eight years (yes, aside from “calling you sometime,” which we both know won’t happen). And as such, I expect certain questions to be answered. Like, when did you stop listening to Linkin Park / grow that beard / make the switch from wearing shoes to essentially begging to get ringworm? Did your dad lose the dealership? Based on what you’ve posted, I can only surmise that you watched the first three-quarters of Into the Wild and had some kind of deluded epiphany. SPOILER ALERT – you missed the part where that kid dies alone in his stupid bus.

How you’ve never posted a photo – but you’re tagged in thousands of them

(Ex. “Celia ‘Destroyer’ Watts tagged 37 pictures of Dave in her album, ‘Mustache Jamfest 2010’”)

It seems like every Monday morning I trudge into work, log into Facebook and find you at the top of my news feed: jeans rolled-up, in mid-dive over a beautiful mountain spring. Or in a dimly lit bar, engaged in conversation with some transient friend of yours (you look like you’re saying something to the effect of “Yeah, well it’s only illegal because the government saw it as a threat to the paper industry and blah blah blah”). Or at an outdoor music festival, your arm around some collarless flea-ridden dog. That nauseatingly carefree existence of yours is made all the more obnoxious by the fact that every recent picture of you looks like it was taken in the mid-70s.

The cryptic status updates you post every three months

(Ex. “listening to the trees. they still say “shhhh.” im sorry for being so loud.”)

I can make peace with the overall weirdness of your status updates because I’m almost positive you’re high when you write them. But it’s their sporadic nature that really gets my goat. You’ve got some nerve thinking you can just casually participate in the Facebook phenomenon. That while the rest of us go balls-to-the-wall, you can just pop in whenever you feel like it. Balderdash! Social networking requires near constant monitoring – a level of dedication you’re clearly unfit to provide.

Take your nonchalant attitude over to Google+. Believe me, you’ll fit right in. TC mark

image – rmatel

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  • Brianna

    Brucey is back!

  • Asdf

    The trees still [see me] shhhhit. Sorry for being so loud.

    • a.

      New FB status. Yep. That’s happening.

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    Hahahaha can you give me this dude’s number?

  • kp

    I’m insanely jealous of FB hippies. I wanna move to Portland and never log into the internet again….. 

  • xra

    i hate articles that are written in this kind of tone

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    I remember that time trees talked to me. I was on mushrooms. 

  • TO

    I dislike this article. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      no

  • The Internet

    This is getting ridiculous. We really have to stop rewarding this blog with web traffic.

    • Asdf

      Hey, Internet, get back in the kitchen and make me some more porn, bitch.

  • http://twitter.com/geology_rocks Haley F

    Oh I see what you’re doing here…..

  • Chels

     love your hippie transient friend. you.. not so much.

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    i have a lot of “fans” on facebook. so if i dont put all my personal shit on there, its for good reason.
    my real friends have my digits, so its no big deal. or there is this thing called inbox. 
    i also dont like to pop out in chat. i get swamped the whole day being asked how i can be so awesome.

    these are the reasons. 
    the thing i hate the most about facebook. that tagging shit. fuck that.
    second, is people telling me how to use my fuckin account.

    i’m  hippie. deal with it. fascist.

    • Woyzeck

      “Irony” isn’t just a word to describe how pennies taste, you know.

  • http://twitter.com/frankeljeff Jeff Frankel

    I liked this story. You’re all hippie-wannabes.

  • me

    I dont like you

  • Woyzeck

    The best satire is indistinguishable from the real thing. Given how many people didn’t get this article, I should judge it a triumph. Well done!

  • Sahar

    loooool..loved this…i know a couple of fb hippies…they get on my nerves too :P

  • V. Funny.

    is it called a tug? I though it was a pull? tug?

  • Anon

    Hippies don’t exist anymore. Just dumb hipsters who think they’re revolutionary. 

    • Smarterthanu

       so ASTUTE thanks fer the cultural analysis

    • Chels

      the hipster is the new age hippie, notice the similar names… it’s the same idea. Everyone hated on hippies in the 70’s and everyone will hate on hipsters now. Everyone likes to believe they are so edgy for mocking the dominate counter-culture. 

  • RH

    “Alex is a creative professional based in South Florida.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    STARRS~~~ OMG FULL MOON~~~

  • http://twitter.com/BrittanyLince Brittany Lince

    Us Portlanders don’t need to tell you about where we work or go to school, because, well you know, you’ve probably never heard of it anyways, it’s pretty underground. I’ll keep my facebook to send you invites to gallery openings and my friends’ booth at the craft fairs, but I don’t need to tell you what’s on my mind all the time, because you probably won’t be able to relate.

  • http://umcheckplease.wordpress.com umcheckplease

    “cryptic status updates” that only you understand or hope that the person who it’s about realizes that its about them…

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