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Every Phone Interview I’ve Ever Had

Hmm? The company you work for now has a softball team? Yeah, we don’t have anything like that. But once a month, we do this mandatory “happy hour” where we corral everyone into the break room and go over any updated policies/procedures. It’s B.Y.O.H.S. (the “H.S.” stands for “healthy snack”). It’s a lot of fun.

That Time I Went Crazy Over An Ex

“We belong together,” I pleaded. “Can I call you?” She answered no, put up another away message and returned to being lazy with what’s-his-name (whose name I knew but didn’t want to say because it was decidedly more masculine than my own). Over the next few hours I alternated between leaving her voicemail messages and sobbing. At some point I thoughtlessly broke things off with my new girlfriend.

Doing Yoga With My Wife

She tells us all Happy St. Patrick’s Day, then makes a flimsy segue about how green is the color of energy and that’s what yoga is all about — our inner-energy. I try and shoot my wife a cockeyed smirk but, much to my chagrin, she’s actually paying attention.

I Wish I Were A Sociopath

She concluded, without much deliberation, that he’s a bit of a megalomaniac. I recalled the lyrics to an Incubus song on the subject and concurred. She added: “He’s kind of a sociopath, too.”

I Am The Problem

After dinner, I’ll watch a documentary about how wasteful our society is and how we could feed every starving person in Haiti with the food we throw out each year. The whole time, I’ll be thinking of that Portlandia sketch about dumpster divers and the Haitians will seem like they’re on another planet, far beyond my reach.

What I Wouldn't Have Brought Up If We'd Continued Chatting

You’re one of maybe five people I know — the others of which are guys — who would appreciate it. When I saw it, there was a part of me that really wished we were seeing it together… but don’t worry, that’s not the sort of thing I would’ve brought up if we’d continued chatting.

Good Luck To My New Single-Serving Friend, Bridge Man

While we taxied to the runway, you told me about how you used to have a cat named Tom that would attack your wife in her sleep. You searched through the pockets of your khaki travel vest to try and locate one of your business cards. Your business? Bridge-building. Hence, Bridge Man.

Home For The Holidays (In My Head Vs. In Reality)

I turn to be greeted by a very familiar-looking TSA officer. Why, it’s my old high school rival, Jim! (He’s the dirty dog who stole my best gal and took her to the Homecoming Dance senior year.) “Hey Jim! How are you? You’re looking good, my man!”

Don’t Ever Leave Me Alone With Anyone, Ever

The group seemed friendly enough. They were all responsible young professionals – the kind who make a beeline for the food table when arriving in these types of situations (as opposed to the open bar). I said something like, “So, have you guys been keeping up with the Kardashians?”

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