Thought Catalog

My Uncle Sends Me A Box Of Trash Every Year For My Birthday. Here’s What He Sent This Year.

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Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

As far back as I can remember, my Uncle David has always sent me a box of trash on my birthday.

To be fair, it’s not so much “trash” as it is items that might be leftover from a garage sale. You might then take these items to a charity, where they’d kindly be denied. They’d become trash when you stop by a dumpster on the way home.

Last year’s box contained a genie lamp, an ‘88 class ring, and inflatable globe. The box from the year before that contained a Hustler DVD, self-tanner, and cake knife. And the box from the year before that contained a CD of Timeless Jewish Songs, and my favorite, a masturbating monkey pin.

Basically, it works like this – throughout the year, anything Uncle David has handpicked, hoarded, or considered throwing into the trash ends up in the box. Mostly the last one.

This past week, two overpacked cardboard boxes arrived at my doorstep, both addressed to “Alex Mann, Esq.” (I’m not a lawyer.) My birthday is soon, so I knew what they were. I drag the boxes into my apartment, tear them open, and lay out the items.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

The first thing I notice is there are considerably more items than previous years – almost 100, compared to the usual 20-30. This took some serious scavenging and packing. With all that free time, I consider telling Uncle David he needs to find a hobby, but then realize he already has one.

The second thing I notice is the item on the top left. It’s the biggest, heaviest thing Uncle David has ever sent me. The note on it reads, “I can honestly say this is the most unique and unexpected gift of all time.”

I decide to save it for last.

Where do I start? The item with a Canadian two dollar coin taped to it seems like a good enough choice.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

“This has a theime.” I’m intrigued by what this “theime” might be. I tear off the wrapping paper and find…

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

A rawhide drum with a penis drawn on it! I figured out the “thieme.” I think.

Next, I open the package that reads, “vintage sweet!!”

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

An old Hershey’s chocolate bar, perhaps?

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

Almost. It’s a broken 4th generation iPod. Man, I wanted one of these like ten Hanukkahs ago.

The next item has an Elvis reference on it.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

I open it and find…

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Provided by the author.

Three packs of Elvis Presley trading cards, and one Uncle David trading card.

Next, I go for the item that promises “lots o sac’s,” which seems on “theime.”

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

I tear off the wrapping paper and find…

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Provided by the author.

Lots ‘o sacks, literally, inside a Dave & Buster’s mug. I wonder how many games of Big Buck Hunter Uncle David had to win to get it.

The next item promises to be useful for my dating life.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

I open it and find…

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Provided by the author.

Anchor earrings! Cool. Thanks, Uncle David. Really thoughtful. I’d say more but I’m too busy having sex with the girl I gave them to.

Uncle David was feeling generous with the next one.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

Thank you for making my friends a part of this journey.

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Provided by the author.

Three American flag dog tags?! Wow. I’m definitely keeping all three for myself. Sorry, friends.

I’m ready for this box to pay off, so I decide to open the item that promises to be not just “collectable,” but “very collectable.”

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

I tear it open and find…

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Provided by the author.

Not one, but several “Class of 97” pins. I’m going to start wearing one to commemorate the year I graduated third grade.

The next item hints at Uncle David’s nostalgia.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

I open it and find…

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

A container that says “hey buddy” with a picture of a random bald guy. He seems chill.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

Other highlights from this year’s box include:

A can of Captain Kim’s tuna that I definitely won’t eat.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

A “Merry Christmas Grandma” card, perfect for the grandma who celebrates Christmas that I don’t have.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

A Christmas card for me, too.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

Virginia “Ginny” Hronek’s real estate calendar, which Uncle David uses to remember my birthday.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

Motivational temporary tattoos. !emosewA

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

A collectable Indiana Jones spoon.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

In case you’re wondering – yes, it lights up.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

The severed head of Austin Powers.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

The non-severed head of Austin Powers.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

Another pack of Elvis Presley trading cards, stickers, and a Bill Clinton audiobook, read by the author.

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

By the time I opened everything, my trash can was filled with tape and wrapping paper. But there was one item left. The last item, which in Uncle David’s words, promised to be “the most unique and unexpected gift of all time.”

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

I hesitate to open it. Doing so will mark the end of another year, the end of another birthday, the end of another Uncle David’s box of trash.

I consider not unwrapping it, and leaving the item somewhere in my apartment as a reminder of my unique bond with Uncle David and the mystery that comes with each year’s box.

Okay, I don’t actually consider doing this. I tear off the wrapping paper and find…

Provided by the author.
Provided by the author.

A giant ear! This is great. The next time an ear doctor tries to explain something to me, I’ll just be like, “Dude, I know.”

Uncle David’s box of trash is the best part of my birthday, and proof that things that belong in a dumpster can be the most meaningful of all.

Thank you, Uncle David. Thank you very much. TC mark

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This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher

You’ve never read poetry like this before

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  • classiccontemporaryliving

    Uncle David finds diamonds in the rough and shared them with his nephew. what a hilarious and fun idea. thanks for sharing!

  • http://jdawgswords.wordpress.com jdawgswords

    lol…now i wanna be a uncle…man, my nephew would get a ear-full

  • http://jnanahodson.wordpress.com Jnana Hodson

    Appropriate gift-giving, as my wife has been instructing me, is a rare talent. It requires thinking of the person who will receive the items far more than any monetary value or socially-imposed set of expectations.
    Your closing appreciation says everything about this relationship and your delight in his outrageous selections. He’s obviously put a lot of thought and effort into the project. So how do you respond in kind?

  • http://sandsaltmoon.wordpress.com Sand Salt Moon

    A total riot – I want an Uncle Dave for my birthday.

  • countingsheepstudio

    I think your Uncle David is one of the coolest & most creative people on earth. I would love to get something like this from any of my relatives. Half the fun is shaking your head at it all. :)

  • http://www.statusbomb.com/my-uncle-sends-me-a-box-of-trash-every-year-for-my-birthday-heres-what-he-sent-this-year/ My Uncle Sends Me A Box Of Trash Every Year For My Birthday. Here’s What He Sent This Year. - Status Bomb - The Most Viral News from Around the Web

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