Suitable Closings To An Apology Email After I Drunkenly Destroyed My Cubicle In Front Of Horrified Coworkers
By Alex J. Mann
And, finally, though I’ve said it before, that was my final liquid lunch. Yours in healing, Alex
Lastly, I’d like to apologize to Alice, Greg, and Larry, who are also missing walls off of their cubicles because of my actions. Also, I realize your children’s artwork is important to you and that it can never be replaced. I am very sorry for this. In my thoughts, Alex
Let it be known, the walls to my cubicle were by no means easy to break. I’d like to thank Judy in HR for advocating the office fitness program that allowed me to regularly work out my core. Cheers, Alex
I know this in no way justifies my actions, but I’d just like to throw this out there: I never really used Facebook or Twitter at work. Unlike Nick, I wasted no time at the office. Except today. Just saying, Alex
To be honest, I thought we had summer hours. I didn’t realize I had to come back to work after lunch until Grant told me. Big surprise, to say the least. Somewhat soberly, Alex
So we’re clear, the shattered frame that once held a picture of my family is not a testament to any problems on the home front. We’re fine. Okay, Stacy in accounting? Yours sincerely, Alex
In closing, I’d like to recognize my friend Dale, an example to us all as someone who can have a drink with lunch without destroying company property. Best regards, Alex
Oh yeah, if any of your office supplies got destroyed in my wrath, I’ll replace them. Tina, I owe you a stapler. Garrett, I switched our chairs when you were on vacay, so just keep mine. Best wishes, Alex
And if I may be so bold as to suggest a lesson in all this madness, I say to the interns – no, what I did was not “cool” or “balls-out” or “kickass,” as you’ve all independently confided in me, even if it will be the one workplace story you’ll be telling for the rest of your lives. We are all better people today, Alex
In hindsight, I take it all back. I wouldn’t be the Alex you all know and fear if I were always apologizing for office behavior. It’s a cubicle, made of cork board, not innocent puppies. Fuck the cubicle. And fuck all of you. Yours in telling it like it is, Alex