We know everyone’s dying to not be in a relationship, especially around the Valentine’s Day season. Here’s how to not be in one.
These tips have been carefully crafted to ensure your loneliness.
1. Reject every sexual pass at any and every cost. Being rich is not an exception, which sucks, I know.
2. If someone shows any sign of interest in you, leave a bag of dog shit on their doorstep. For added effect, light it on fire. For extra-added effect, make it horseshit.
3. Acknowledge that any physical compliment you accept from an exploring suitor is a sign of weakness. Combat it with: “It’s from all the work I’ve had done.”
4. Talk to them well within their personal bubble and refuse to break eye contact.
5. If anyone asks, your heroes are ranked as follows: Khloé Kardashian, the cast of Degrassi: The Next Generation, and dogs with tongues that stick out of their mouths.
6. When you meet a cutie, immediately Snapchat him with the caption: “Worth it??” Make sure he gets it too.
7. When someone tries to grab your hand, tell her you suffer from sweaty palm disease. Then give her a direct example by rubbing it all over her face.
8. When they buy you a drink upon meeting, ask if they brought their roofies with them because you’re looking for a night you always want to forget.
9. If you meet them in a non-threatening location (farmer’s market, dog park, any Lululemon location), make it threatening by whispering you brought a gun in case the Russians show up.
10. Tell them your strict diet of tissue paper and grass blades isn’t a diet. It’s more of a lifestyle.
11. Recall that they have the same name as your ex. Immediately cry. (Note: Any name is your ex’s name.)
12. Before you go out with them, ask if they can call you an Uber SUV Black Car. If there’s a surcharge, even better. Do not accept no as an answer. Uberx is for peasants.
13. Your sexy time playlist consists solely of a looping track of the Full House theme song.
14. Ask if they’ve ever dabbled with Ashley Madison. You’ve met some really great people from it.
15. And when they finally get fed up with your behavior, blame it on being emotionally damaged from breaking it off with one of the Jolie/Pitt children.
They’ll never call you again.