Okay, numbers one through five?
Jk, jk. That’d be like recommending Migos and/or the Beatles: tired and unnecessary. True greatness speaks for itself. True story though, I met a girl who vehemently disliked the latter. I didn’t know people were allowed to have a negative take on those four. No way she didn’t ride for the Fab Three though. That’d be a little much to handle.
Anyway, here’s what I meant to say:
Bio: “Imagen Seinfeld was never canceled and still NBC comedy program today?”
Not to be confused with @SeinfeldToday (basically the Tully’s Coffee to Current Day’s Starbucks). From the God Level Photoshop work to the perfect, Hipster Runoff-esque misspellings, it’s the best parody account working. There’s some semblance of order to this list, but this is number one with a bullet.
Imagen that the show would not only still make sense with cell phones, but with iPads, ISIS (I Still Imagine Seinfeld), Taylor-Swift-As-Costanza-Conquest (among others), listicles, and basically every other pillar of the millennial zeitgeist. You’re left basking in the brilliant morning light of “A$OUP Nazi,” “Gerge have crush on Drake,” “Kramerican Horror Story,” and cool facts like “Selfie is anagram for Seinfeld.”
The initially mysterious geniuses behind it all have stepped out of the shadows, but their production hasn’t slowed, and have begun to extend their whimsy to the rest of the 90s canon: Frasier, Friends, and even Twin Peaks.
You’ll love it if: You’ve ever seen Seinfeld and/or use modern products.
You’ll hate it if: You don’t know why this generation can’t just leave well enough alone, dammit.
Bio: “PFWA [Pro Football Writers Of America] member. Delivering barrelfire NFL strongtakes…Theirs the door if you cant handle it.”
You’ll want to make sure you packed a lunch-pail and pinned your ears back under your hardhat, folks. This guy’s a real road grader. PFTCommenter made his mark going to war on two fronts: the liberal conspiracy trying to further “wussify” the NFL and, by logical extension, America herself (a gender pronoun choice he would certainly resent), and the establishment, toe-the-party-line sports media: ESPN shameless marketing mouthpiece Darren Rovell having blocked him at this point.
This is another branch of the Hipster Runoff family tree. But, unlike Seinfeld2000, PFTCommenter has the malice to match his predecessor. This is the sort of thing people take seriously and consequently react poorly too.
On Colin Kaepernick fumbling at the goal line: “having ink all over your arms makes ur skin more slipprey and prone to fumbles- not a opinon- these are facts”
On pregame preparations and national pride: “how are YOU getting ready for NFL sunday? Im going to my local British pub& asking them 2turn on REAL football for a change and then leaving,” “If a England guy said “erm” to me in a sentence on why NFL sucks id punch him in his tooth.”
On coaching strategy: “If im Jason Garret I Give Murray 40 carrys per game til his leg collapses=thats his job. Why even have doctor’s if your not going2 use them?”
You can also catch him vigorously retweeting Benghazi conspiracies and Ben Roethlisberger fanboys, among other polarizing things. If there’s a tough question, look no further.
You’ll love it if: You unironically carry the torch for his worldview, you are unequivocally disgusted by his worldview, you watch football with the sound off, or you hate-watch football with the sound on
You’ll hate it if: You can’t handle #HotTakes, you think Peter King is an important thinker, or you refuse to humor arguments for American Exceptionalism
Bio: “A Polarizing MicroMEME™ Clothing Brand from NEW YORK CITY©. We’re Officially a Thing®.”
Okay, so technically this is less of a parody twitter account and more of a parody clothing line with a v good twitter dot com page. Turns out that these guys are actually pretty successful. They’ve been written up in the New York Times, been able to sell their stuff for *gasp* H&M prices through their Big Cartel page, and have caught the attention and admiration of their targets, the #menswear gawds at Complex Magazine’s fashion outlet, Four-Pins.
Some examples of their extremely niche-meme t-shirts:
“Coke Boys” above the Koch brothers’ faces.
“fuccboi jihad” in Arabic font.
“Baewatch” in the BayWatch font.
The twitter itself is mostly pictures with captions beginning in “When your alphet…” or “That feeling when…” It’s very much for the heads.
You’ll love it if: You’ve read Four-Pins once, you’re constantly searching for the perfect picture to represent how you feel waking up “High af,” or everything you do is for the heads
You’ll hate it if: You have not read Four-Pins once, you don’t humor rap appropriation, or you’re appalled by t-shirts costing upwards of $25
Bio: “We’re cool because you’re shit”
So they @Vice_Is_Hip don’t really think “VICE Magazine: The Definitive Guide To Enlightening Information” is hip. That tagline is an excellent example of why.
VICE is the sort of publication that, on the one hand, is cool because its still in print, actually does immersive journalism of a kind, and produces horrifying documentaries about Drugs that are truly overwhelming whether or not you are in fact on drugs. On the other hand, VICE is the Jack FM of the written word. In case you’re not familiar, Jack is a nationally syndicated radio station whose basic premise is: “We’re playing whatever the HELL we want, and know what?! There’s nothing you can do about it!! [punctuation effectively theirs]. VICE has the same sort of faux-defensive fuck-you-can-you-handle-it-cuz-we-can-do-this-all-day aesthetic. It’s often a bummer.
Vice_Is_Hip’s feed is mainly a send-up of the click-bait-controversial headlines that VICE Magazine deals in:
“Why Robin Thicke’s next album is just a series of ear-piercing rape alarms”
“We walked around London for 8 hours and no one cared”
“Why what’s good for the goose is NOT good for Uganda”
The execution is sort of uneven and lacks most of the wit that makes the rest of this list transcendent, but the sentiment is on point.
You’ll love it if: You think VICE is a little much and you have a second
You’ll hate it if: You think VICE hella rules, or you appreciate subtlety (the two being mutually exclusive)
Bio: “who fuckin cares”
This is kind of a new one meant to declare my online credibility and interest in seeking out the new classics. I came across it a couple of weeks ago, and besides a couple of surprisingly prominent music writers, the following is scant.
This is a big mistake.
You’ve probably seen (maybe even heard!) the word thinkpiece (sometimes styled “think piece”). It’s a made up descriptor for a pervasive type of Internet writing brought to prominence by Grantland, Gawker Media, the Huffington and New York Posts and the like. With the right direction, knowledge and insight, thinkpieces can be engaging, entertaining and useful additions to a prominent issues. However, similar to Vice_Is_Hip, the thinkpiecist seems to be there to keep purveyors of less focused, self-congratulatory and indulgent thinkpieces in their place.
The crown jewel of this account is its visual element. Featuring everything from James Bond screenshots, to seminal album covers and classical works of religious art, these masterpieces in their own right are coupled with captions like “When you’re 10 minutes into the Girls in Hoodies podcast on @Grantland33 [they’re really not afraid to troll] and they’re still talking about the weather,” “Steady Diet Of Thinkpieces,” and “When your thinkpiece turns out to be the bible,” respectively.
Most of the content here is a clichéd phrase, excerpted lyric, or saying with the word “thinkpiece” inserted in some form or, like Vice_Is_Hip, fake thinkpiece headlines:
“Sext: a 6,500-word thinkpiece”
“the thinkpiece store called and they’re out of your well-founded opinions!!!!!!”
“Choppy Waters: How Everything Is A Sensitive Issue”
You’ll love it if: You recently unfollowed most of the Internet writing community in frustration, you’re “pretty over Grantland/Jezebel/etc etc etc,” or you’re an old-head blogger feeling ill-at-ease with these young bloods
You’ll hate it if: You go to bat for rambling podcasts, constantly find yourself having the time to dissect Lena Dunham’s personal life and see nothing wrong with that, or have a serious opinion about Lana Del Rey’s relative relevance/worth
Happy scrolling everybody.