B*tches: we’re manipulative people. I should know; I am one. So trust me when I say it’s not always super-obvious that you’re dating a full-fledged bitch until we (accidentally) start showing our claws/fangs/talons. But here are a few early warning signs:
1. We’re not bitchy 24/7.
Nobody would want to date us if we were b*tches every moment of every day. (Well, unless you’re a wimp, but that’s another blog post.) So we’ve wised up to the fact that for at least part of the day/month/year, we need to be civil and appropriate or else you’ll leave us. We try to channel and hold our extreme b*tchiness for when you’ve really pissed us off and then BOOM, geyser of b*tchiness.
2. Some of us should probably be medicated.
Some b*tches are just b*tches, but for others, the issues go far deeper than that. We struggle to cop to them, though, because by admitting we suffer from extreme insecurity/daddy issues/crippling anxiety/some form of bipolar disorder, we’re admitting defeat. We’re admitting there’s something wrong with us. And owning that we’re anything less-than-perfect is really hard for us even if the stigma of going to therapy/needing drugs is far less than what it used to be.
3. We’ll probably try to blame it on our period.
But that’s a lie. Our bitchiness is ever-present, like the Holy Spirit. Don’t assume it’s going to get better once we pull our tampons out.
4. We’re rude to your female friends.
Especially if they’re hot. We don’t care as much if they’re not attractive because thusly, the competition is less fierce. In fact, why do you have female friends in the first place if they’re not f*cking you?
5. Our rudeness is only trumped by our ability to be fake-nice.
To your parents. To your guy-friends. We KILL it in the fake-nice department. We’ll turn up that Crest White Stripped-smile until the gleam in our pearly whites slays you with kindness. We’re not sure where we learned this talent; it’s very possible we were born with the genetic ability (defect?) to small-talk and wink our way out of anything.
6. We marry a lot of great guys …
…who don’t realize it until 10 years down the line. A tragedy, really.
7. Your friends tell you you’re dating a bitch.
We quickly encourage you to stop hanging around those friends because they’re “bad influences”.
8. We’re hot.
Because how else do you think we get away with being b*tches? Let me let you in on a little secret, BOYS: You all do yourselves a disservice by thinking with your d*cks. You all want to get laid by a dime, so you put up with a lot. And I mean a ALOT. We almost pity you. Almost.